by Shakti Gawain

If you are having difficulty with a present relationship, or if you frequently encounter certain kinds of difficult people -- for example, a needy person or a person who doesn't respect your boundaries -- take a moment to look closely at what they are reflecting.

The following meditation will help you do that. Begin by closing your eyes and relaxing for a few moments.... Then bring to mind a difficult relationship.... Think about what, exactly, bothers you about this person. What quality or trait does this person have that makes you uncomfortable or that you judge?

Once you have identified the quality or qualities that bother you, ask yourself what the positive aspect or essence of that quality might be. For example, if you see them as lazy, what could be the positive aspect of laziness? It could be the ability to relax....

Ask yourself how it might benefit you to develop a bit more of that quality in yourself.... . Could it help you find more balance in your life? If you are judging someone as lazy, chances are you are a very active, driven type of person who could benefit from developing a greater ability to relax. This person is a mirror, reflecting the disowned quality of relaxation to you, so that you can become more aware of what you need to develop....

Here are some other examples: If you find someone too needy, they may be reflecting the disowned part of you that has emotional needs. You may be too identified with strength and self-sufficiency and need to get more in touch with your vulnerability. If you find someone too domineering, perhaps you are overly timid and need to develop more assertiveness. If you judge someone as selfish, it's possible that you are too giving.

Remember that you don't need to become like this person. They may be too far to the extreme or expressing themselves in a distorted way. However, you can use the discomfort of this relationship to help you discover the essential qualities you need to develop in order to feel more whole and fulfilled.

Once you have identified what quality this person is reflecting to you, imagine yourself having integrated more of that quality in yourself.... Imagine yourself more able to relax, for example, or more able to show your vulnerability in close relationships, or more assertive, or more able to receive....