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Ask the Swami
by Swami
Beyondananda
Dear Swami:
I have heard rumors circulating that for many
years you studied and
practiced Marxism. Frankly, I am
shocked. Can this really be true?
Ada Storshin,
Cincinnati, Ohio
Dear Ada:
Yes, it is absolutely true and I have nothing
to hide. My beloved guru
Harry Cohen Baba introduced me to Marxist
theory and practice, and I
became conversant with all three branches of
Marxism. From the Groucho
school of Marxism, I learned to throw
rapid-fire punchlines and hurl
barbs that go to the heart of the matter.
From Harpo Marxism, I learned
to transmute. That is where you
magically transform tension into
laughter without saying a word. Harry
Cohen Baba used to say that the
Harpos were the most subversive Marxists of
all because since they never
say anything, they can never be silenced.
It was Chico Marxism that I
found the most challenging, however.
Chico was a true dialectic
materialist and frankly, I could never do my
material in his dialect.
* * * *
Dear Swami:
I've been thinking about getting a dogma, and
I wanted your opinion.
Any ideas on the matter?
Ira Gress,
Great Neck, New York
Dear Ira:
Everyone has a pet belief, so why should you
be an exception? Yes, we
human beings have had dogmas since the dawn of
recorded history. This
is understandable. You cannot imagine
how comforting it is to curl up
with a warm, fuzzy dogma on a dark night of
the soul. Or to take him
out to the park, and watch him chase other
dogmas and bark at strangers.
Some folks keep dogmas for protection.
It's reassuring to have a guard
dogma to scare away frightening thoughts --
and it's great to have a
loyal companion to fetch you an explanation
when you get home from a
hard day at the office. And dogmas come
in all varieties. Some people
like big, dumb dogmas, and others prefer
squeaky little irritating
ones. And, hey, someone needs to stand
up for the underdogma. Dogma is
truly man's best friend.
Now some folks say, why not let sleeping
dogmas lie? But who wants to
be lied to? And what about dogmas that
bark so loud we cannot hear the
laugh track? And worse yet, what about
menacing dogmas that bite? Or
dogmas that run wild, and get into everyone's
garbage? I know, I know.
You are probably saying, "It isn't my
dogma making the mess, it's my
neighbor's dogma." And indeed, you
can look out any night and see a
pack of dogmas running down the street chasing
a doubt. So what do you
do when you are driving down the road and a
threatening dogma appears in
your path? Stay calm and let the strange
dogma know who's boss. Say,
"Bad dogma. Roll over."
It is a fact of life. Dogmas have sharp
teeth, and when backed
against the wall, they can bite. As a
dogma-owner, it is your
responsibility to see that your dogma doesn't
bite, and if it does --
well, sometimes a vicious dogma has to be put
down. Another fact of
life is that dogmas get sick and old. Perhaps
you've spent years taking
care of a tired old dogma, and it's time to
put that old dogma to sleep.
It is sad when you must give up a loyal dogma
like that so I say, enjoy
your dogma while it is alive and playful.
My FUNdamentalist dogma that
I have enjoyed for many years, is a great
source of laughter and play.
And you know how uncanny it is the way dogma
owners come to resemble
their dogma. So you can have a dogma,
it's fine. But just make sure
your dogma doesn't mess on your neighbor's
lawn. And know that on
Nonjudgment Day, all our dogmas will run free,
and I guarantee they will
bother no one.
* * * *
Dear Swami:
Here's something I find terribly frustrating.
Like many people my age,
I am fighting what they euphemistically call
"middle age spread". So I
got myself one of those videos with abdominal
exercises. Swami, I've
been practicing these for months and my girth
hasn't shrunk much. I
feel if I don't get ahead of things now, I'm
going to lose the battle of
the bulge. What do you think?
Phil Doutt,
San Rafael, California
Dear Phil:
Ah, yes. The abdomino theory -- one
paunch, and the battle is over.
Well, I have some encouraging news for you.
Those ab videos are
designed to get you to think your abs are
abnormal. Actually, judging
from what I've been seeing lately your
"abnormal" abs are more normal
than the abs normally portrayed as normal.
In other words, ab normality
is an abnormality. But if you are still
committed to girth control, I
just read about a new personal trainer service
that will definitely
help. Three times a week, they send
someone over to your home to stand
over you with a whip while you exercise.
It's called the Abdominator.
Read also:
"Who
Is Swami Beyondananda"
and
more
articles from the Swami
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