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Ask the Swami
by Swami
Beyondananda
Dear Swami:
I have recently converted to FUNdamentalism --
accent on fun -- and now
I find myself discriminated against because of
my religion. My boss at
the high-tech consulting firm I work for has
told me in no uncertain
terms that I will no longer be able to wear my
ceremonial clown nose to
board meetings, nor will I be able to use my
e-mail for religious
charity work (donating old jokes to the
humorless). I've considered
filing one of those religious discrimination
suits, but that sounds like
even less fun than I'm having now. Maybe
the best idea is to start a
new business that reflects my religious
preference. Any ideas, Swami?
Ada Strackschinn,
Austin, Texas
Dear Ada:
You know, I have a great idea for a
FUNdamentalist business
opportunity. If you like it, maybe I can
become your silent partner --
that is, if you don't find a mime first.
My suggestion is, start an
Inner Child Care Center. Think of all
your fellow-sufferers in today's
workaholic business world who have to drag
their inner child to work
with them every day. These poor inner
children can suffer severe
boredom and spiritual deprivation in these
dysFUNsional settings.
Personally, I think this borders on inner
child abuse. And we all know
an abused inner child can wreak havoc at home
with unpredictable
emotional outbursts, not to mention inbursts.
Here's how the Inner Child Care Center works:
Each morning, your
clients drop off their inner child at your
home -- and what with inner
children being invisible, they take up very
little space and are easy to
travel with in groups. No institutional
kitchens or bathrooms are
required, and you can take field trips in a
Miata. Most of the program
can evolve out of what feels like fun to you,
although you can ask your
clients for input: And what would your
inner child like to do today? Imagine spending your day fingerpainting, bike
riding, playing video
games, going to the zoo, taking a nature walk
(in large, crowded cities
you can take human nature walks instead),
petting animals, going to the
movies -- and getting paid for it! And
at the end of the day, when
folks come to pick up their inner kids, you
can tell them what their
inner child did all day.
I see great financial success for this
venture. I have it on good
authority that in the very near future, inner
child care will become tax
deductible. My inner tax attorney told
me so.
* * * *
Dear Swami:
I have heard rumors that you are sitting on
the weight loss secret of
the ages. I keep waiting for you to say
something in your column about
it, but so far I've seen nothing. Is
this rumor true? Can you actually
tell us how to lose weight effortlessly once
and for all?
Mae Kitso,
Oak Park, Illinois
Dear Mae:
If I were really sitting on the weight loss
secret of the ages, I
wouldn't need this Buns O' Steel video.
However, I have in fact
stumbled upon a weight loss program so simple,
so effective, so
effortless and so obvious that it cannot
really be called a secret. You
want to lose weight? DON'T EAT SO MUCH!
This, by the way, is a
foolproof program. You want to lose a
little weight? Eat a little
less. You want to lose a whole lot of
weight quickly? Don't eat at
all. People in India have known this for
years, and folks in other
Third World countries are learning more about
it every day. But don't
take my word for it. According to the
Natural Inquirer, scientists have
found a remarkable correlation between not
eating and weight loss. "No
doubt about it," the study concludes.
"People who don't eat can't gain
weight."
Talk about effortless
weight reduction. What could possibly
take less effort than not eating? Not
breathing, maybe.
And speaking of breathing, the International
Breatharian Society is
opening a string of "No food, great
atmosphere" restaurants in spiritual
hot spots around the world. In fact, at
the recent Ascended Masters
Golf Tournament, I actually met a breatharian
who claimed that he not
only didn't eat food, but he didn't drink
water either. I think his
name was Pierre. Anyway, I asked him if
he didn't feel deprived of the
communal aspect of sharing food, but he
reassured me that although
breatharians couldn't break bread together,
they still could break
wind.
I understand that this simple
diet is all the rage amongst
those going for Ascension. With an
average weight loss of ten pounds a
week, it would take a 150-pound individual
only about fifteen weeks to
completely disappear.
* * * *
Dear Swami:
Are you really a legitimate Swami? Most
of the Swamis I have
encountered have a long list of impressive
credentials. What gives you
the right to write a column as a
self-described "swami"?
Haydn Sikh,
Yuba City, California
Dear Haydn:
Of course I am a legitimate Swami. Both
my parents were married -- and
to each other, I might add. The official
definition of "swami" is one
who has mastered themselves, and I can assure
you no one could be better
at being me than I am. I can also assure
you I have undergone rigorous
swamification and am fully swamified, but
qualifications are not
everything.
I am reminded of the words
of my beloved guru, Harry Cohen
Baba, the Garment Center Saint, who often said
that it is not the length
of your credentials that matters, but how much
pleasure you give.
* * * *
Read also:
"Who
Is Swami Beyondananda"
and
other
articles from the Swami
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