Ask the Swami

by Swami Beyondananda

Dear Swami:

All my life, I have heard people say that money can't buy happiness. And yet, I look all around me and I see folks pursuing the almighty dollar and I think maybe I'm missing something. After all, money does seem to bring freedom. And what with the cost of health care nowadays, it would seem that having money can definitely be an advantage health-wise. How about it, Swami? What is the relationship between money, health and happiness?

Selma Soul
Elgin, Illinois

Dear Selma:

It has always been my contention that money cannot buy happiness. (It can, however, rent it for a while.) I remember struggling with the issue of money and health, especially during my lean years. I set out to make a living as a medium — and within months, I had been reduced to a small. Needless to say, I couldn't afford pricey vitamins and supplements, doctor's visits, or even health insurance. I asked my guru, Harry Cohen Baba, the Garment Center Saint, whether I needed money for optimum health and as was the custom, he didn't answer the question directly. He instead offered a Zen Cohen — a configuration of words designed to ignite a moment of enlightenment with a spark of laughter. Here is what he told me:

A man needed a very serious operation and he went to the finest surgeon in the country. The operation was successful and the surgeon presented him with the bill. "I'm sorry," the man said, "but I'm afraid I can't pay that much."

"What about your insurance?" the surgeon asked.

"Oh, I don't have any insurance," the patient replied.

"Okay," said the surgeon, who was getting a little miffed, "how much can you pay?"

"Well, to be honest, I haven't got a cent to my name. I can't pay any of it."

Now the surgeon was livid. "If you knew you couldn't afford to pay, why did you go to the finest surgeon in the country?"

"Because," said the man, "when it comes to my health, money is no object."

*****

Dear Swami:

I know this entire issue has already been talked to death, but I can't resist just one comment on President Clinton's sexual proclivities and appetites. Don't you think he is a prime candidate for one of those sexual addiction 12-step groups? Do you suppose he will ever admit his problem and enroll in one of these?

Lola Beado,
Redmond, Washington

Dear Lola:

I have it on good authority that indeed the President is enthusiastically looking forward to going to a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting. He thinks it would be a terrific place to meet women.

*****

Dear Swami:

I notice you continually refer to God as a "He". Surely an enlightened male like yourself doesn't subscribe to the belief that our Creator is a man. A lot of us feminists out here are pretty upset. How about it, Swami?

Lynne Schmob,
Seattle, Washington

Dear Lynne:

Your point is well-taken, so let me explain. Since God was the First Laugher and will no doubt be around to get the Last Laugh, I have always secretly referred to our Creator as the Ho-Ho-Holy Hee-Hee-Healer. I originally thought about shortening that to "Ho." I can see where this might have given the Creator a more feminine spin, but this would have been even more ripe for ms-interpretation. So I decided to go with Hee, which actually looks stupid so I shortened it to He. Hope this answers your question.

*****

About the Author

Hear the Swami’s wisdom with your own ears -- just click onto www.beyondananda.com. To find out more about Swami’s products and appearances on the "outernet", call 1-800-SWAMI-BE.

Swami’s Love and Laughter Special.

Says the Swami: "Many people have found themselves challenged by the recent economic downturn, and some have even had 'near-debt experiences.’" Well, to paraphrase those 60s icons, the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers, "Laughter will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no laughter." To help you wake up laughing ... and leave laughter in your wake, the Swami has put together a special package including his hilarious book on healing laughter, Duck Soup for the Soul, his latest audio cassette, Beyondananda and Beyond: Two Takes on Healing Laughter, and his latest music and comedy CD, Drive Your Karma, Curb Your Dogma, a $38 value for just $29.77 + 4.23 shipping. Not only that, but act right now and receive online Swami's Joke-A-Week (Zen Cohens from Harry Cohen Baba) for ten weeks. To order, call Swami's hot line 1-800-SWAMI-BE or visit www.wakeuplaughing.com

If you enjoyed this column, you'll love 
"Duck Soup for the Soul: The Way Of Living Louder And Laughing Longer".
To order this book.

Another Swami book: "Driving Your Own Karma; Swami Beyondananda's Tour Guide to Enlightenment".
To order this book.

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