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Ask the Swami
by Swami
Beyondananda
Dear
Swami:
I
thought I read something in the Natural Enquirer that
you've had some kind of religious conversion experience,
and become a fundamentalist preacher. Is this just an
idle rumor, or is it true?
Kirby
R. Dahg
Fondue Lake, Wisconsin
Dear
Kirby:
Well, I
guess if the rumor is circulating, it can't be idle, can
it? Actually, like most of that stuff the tabloids
print, it is only partly true and they have put the
em-PHA-sis on the wrong syl-LA-ble. Yes, I did have a
religious experience. I was struck by lightning during a
brainstorm, and during this electrifying moment I got a
glimpse of the true meaning of life. I had a vision of
God watching a huge big screen TV -- and we were the
Comedy Channel. I realized that life is a situation
comedy that will never be canceled, a laugh track has
been provided, and the reason we are in the material
world is to get more material. In other words, even if
you are living a routine existence, you can at least
turn it into a great routine. So profound was this
vision that I decided to dedicate my life to preaching
FUNdamentalism -- accent on "fun."
And as a
FUNdamentalist, I know that if we can raise the
vibration on the planet through the resonance of
laughter, we can bring about Nonjudgment Day -- that is
when everyone wins beauty contests. On Nonjudgment Day
all the lawyers will disappear, and truly all our trials
will be over. And on Nonjudgment Day, everyone will lay
down their arms. This will be called Disarmaggedon, and
it will be the end of the human race as we know it. We
will realize that life isn't a race, so we can stop
running. As my own guru, Harry Cohen Baba used to say,
"Life is a sitcom. So sit calm and enjoy it."
So until
that day of Nonjudgment arrives, we must do all we can
to heal the jestive blockages and dysfunsion we see
around us: Laugh uproariously, wholeheartedly and loudly
-- ejoculation is a natural bodily function, so we
should feel no shame about it. Live life to the foolist.
Revel without a cause. Remember, you can transform anger
with random acts of comedy. Don't get even -- get odd!
May the
FARCE be with you.
*****
Dear
Swami:
I notice
that people who write in questions to your column often
use unusual names. Tell the truth, Swami. Are these
legitimate questions?
E.Z.
Yancers
Tacoma, Washington
Dear E.Z.:
Absolutely!
Every one of the questions I use has a mother and a
father who are married to each other. And names are
important. Remember the great movie director, Cecil B.
DeMille? Well, he had a daughter who in spite of all the
privilege always felt average and ordinary. Know what
her name was? Ronna DeMille. And then there was the guy
who came to me with financial problems so severe that he
was at debt's door. His name was Osborne Poe. I told him
to change his name, and now he's Richard Denhue.
*****
Dear
Swami:
Having
studied esoteric physics, I am convinced that there is
an exact duplicate of me living in a parallel universe.
How do I communicate with him?
Lou
Pohl
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Dear
Lou:
That's
easy. You send him a parallelogram.
*****
Dear
Swami:
What do
you call it when people make predictions and charge
money for them?
Otto
Noh
New Braunfels, Texas
Dear
Otto:
I don't
know about you, but I call it propheteering.
**********
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