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Ask the Swami
by Swami
Beyondananda
EVERYONE FOR PRESIDENT:
Swami Kicks Off His Non-Campaign
Swami Beyondananda, spiritual leader to
millions of FUNdamentalists
(accent on "fun") declared himself a
non-candidate in the 2000
Presidential election. Speaking from his
1/3 acre ranch in Santa Rosa,
California, the Punderosa, Swami told a throng
of reporters, "It's
official. My turban is out of the ring.
I am not running. After
careful thought and consideration, and after
consultations with numerous
experts and prognosticators, I realized that
with things being as
chaotic and unpredictable as they are these
days, there was a
statistically significant possibility that I
could win. I simply
couldn't take this risk, and decided to
withdraw."
"Besides," the Swami continued,
"the Presidency is way too big a job
for just one person -- in fact, just wanting
the position should be
enough to disqualify a candidate on the basis
of being mentally unstable
if not downright delusional. I think
we're better off if all of us take
the responsibility of running things. So
that's my non-campaign slogan
for this year:
Everyone For President
-- we need all the help we can get."
To that end, the Swami declared that he is
making his Presidential
platform available to any and all candidates
who wish to use it. "This
is a very strong platform," he said,
"strong enough to support anyone
who's willing to stand on it."
Whereupon the Swami laid it out, plank
by plank:
CAMPAIGN
REFORM. Just to put things in
proper perspective, candidates
should be required to wear those Groucho
noses, mustaches and glasses
for all personal appearances. This will
surely change the face of
American politics for the better.
Discrimination on the Basis of Color.
Discrimination on the basis of
color is rampant in all levels of government,
and is just not right.
All someone has to do is flash some green, and
they get special
treatment. When we focus more on the
outcome and less on the income, we
will solve the problem of government greedlock.
More Forums, Fewer Againstums. We have
too many real problems to waste
our time arguing. It's time to stop
mass-debating and have a true
intercourse of constructive ideas. How
else are we going to produce a
healthy brainchild?
Acknowledge the Shadow Side. Negativity
is a part of life, so why not
use it for the betterment? You know how
the Vice President does nothing
but sit by the phone for four years? Why
not put the Vice President in
charge of vice? Just as gambling is now
used to repay Native Americans
for stealing their land (not to mention half a
century of cultural abuse
in westerns), we could allow women to share in
the fruits of
prostitution, and we could rebuild the inner cities
with drug money -- instead of
pissing it down the hole called "The War
on Drugs". We can even begin
to celebrate shadow holidays -- like
Tanksgiving, which commemorates
America's long and glorious history of arming
the forces of repression
worldwide.
Institute a National Wealthfair Program.
Instead of enslaving the poor
by keeping them on a piddling dole or
streaming them into dead-end jobs,
why not teach the skill of creating wealth
fairly -- through service
that has genuine value. Instead of
avoidance, which is how we deal with
the problem today, how about abundance where
we help people get off
their assets and dance together to create real
wealth that benefits all.
Institute the Eight-Day Week. By far
Swami's most controversial
proposal, this comes in response to all of
those who feel they have too
little time, and no time for fun.
"On the Eighth Day, God saw the world
was funny and created Laughter," says the
FUNdamentalists gospel. In
fact, a very obscure FUNdamentalist sect, the
Eighth Day Absurdists,
believed that levity could help them ascend,
and spent every eighth day
laughing at the other seven. To this
end, Swami proposes a new day of
the week, Funday, to be inserted between
Sunday and Monday. "After a
day of rest and another of renewal through
laughter, people will return
to work under a full head of esteem,"
says the Swami. "And what with
all that laughter at our expense, we might
just buy down some of that
karmic debt that's been taxing us so much, and
who knows? We might be
able to do away with that pesky Eternal
Revenue Service entirely."
Read also:
"Who
Is Swami Beyondananda"
and
more
articles from the Swami
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