Cure
Yourself of Oughtism
by Swami Beyondananda
 When
I was young, I didn't know what I wanted to be. Oh, I
had the usual childhood aspirations -- I wanted to be a
nurse or an Indian princess or a housewife -- that was
before I found out I was a boy! When I found that out, I
decided I wanted to be a cowboy. All my friends wanted
to be cowboys, and my parents thought I should become a
cowboy. So one summer I took a job as a cowpuncher. Now
to be perfectly accurate, I never had to actually punch
a cow, although a few times I did have to jab one with
my finger. So technically, I was just a cowpoke -- but I
didn't like it very much. Cows are boring. They're
pretty much into their own thing (and if you aren't
careful where you step, you are, too).
Being
an idealist in those days, I went to my high school
counselor and told her I was looking for a career where
I could fight the decay I saw around me, where I could
make an impression on people, fill the empty spaces in
their lives, and build bridges. "I've got the
perfect career for you," she said. "Become a
dentist." The next summer I took a job assisting a
dentist. My job was to prepare the novocaine needles.
One day, as an experiment, I decided to leave the
novocaine out to see if the placebo effect worked. It
didn't. You could hear the screams across the state of
Oklahoma. I left dentistry that day, but I had learned a
valuable spiritual technique: Transcend Dental
Medication.
Over
the next several years, I went from counselor to
counselor trying to find out what I was supposed to do.
"Get into communications", one said. So I got
a job working for the phone company, telling the time. I
got fired from that job one day when they caught me not
watching the clock. "You should get a government
job", said another counselor, so I got a job as a
census taker. I quit that job because I hated those
embarrassing personal questions you had to ask people
like, "List all members of your family broken down
by sex."
On
the advice of a friend, I got a job as a vacuum cleaner
salesman, but it was around that time I met my guru,
Harry Cohen Baba, and he told me to give up all my
attachments -- so I had to quit that job as well. There
I was: no job, no direction, not even enough money to
call the phone company to tell them I couldn't pay my
bill. I threw myself at my guru's feet (I was a pretty
good tackle in high school) and said, "Oh, Garment
Centered One, tell me what I should do!"
"Listen
here, boychick", he replied, getting up and dusting
himself off, "You are letting everyone else make
your decisions for you. Don't just follow someone else's
oughtas. What you should do is stand on your own two
feet and think for yourself."
So
I did exactly as he said. I stood on that street corner
for days, thinking. I won't go into all the trouble I
had with the dogs and pigeons, but some garment workers
mistook me for a mannequin and I came home with a lovely
suit. Anyway, after many days of not eating, I felt a
mysterious, unearthly presence close by. There, in front
of me, I saw the vision of one of my earliest spiritual
teachers, Andy Devine. Yes, it is true. I had spent my
formative years chanting his mantra, "Yer durn
tootin," and whenever I had a problem, I would
meditate on his picture on my cereal box, hoping for
some Devine Guidance.
"Say
there, young feller," he rasped, "Looks like
yer in a heap o' trouble. How can I help yuh?"
"Oh,
Devine One," I answered, "My guru instructed
me to stand on my own two feet and think for myself, and
I've been standing here and thinking for the past week
and a half. I actually think he's forgotten about me,
and I don't know what to do next. I know you can help
me!"
"Wal'
son, sorta reminds me of a movie I was in many years
back called Shoot Out at the I'm-Okay You're-Okay
Corral. It was about two o' these gu-ru fellers
fightin' over which one would be the only Universal Law
west of the Pecos. They were a-fussin' and a-feudin' for
days, with groups of cowboys camped in front of each of
their hashrams shoutin' the praises of their particular
gu-ru. Now yuh see, I played the part of the cook and I
was welcome in both camps, 'cuz I was the only one who
could make biscuits and gravy macrobiotic style. Wal'
anyhow, one day their carryin' on got me so gol-durn
flustered that I burned the dang gomazio. That did it! I
got up on the hill between camps and I sez, 'Now lissen
up, you fellers, you're a-fightin' over somethin'
downright foolish. Ain't no gu-ru knows anymore than you
do. Shucks, even the word gu-ru can tell yuh that. Just
spell it out: G-U-R-U. (Gee, you are you!) Now stop all
yer fussin' and I'll fix you all a heapin' pot o' miso
stew!"
And
in a flash, my Devine vision was gone, and the
realization hit me -- there was no need to wait for
others to tell me what to do, I was my own guru! All the
answers I sought were within me! (Although it would be
several years before I figured out what the
corresponding questions were.)
So
join me, won't you? Let's stop this epidemic of Oughtism
before our whole society comes under the spell of
oughtosuggestion. You really ought to.
Take
this Test and find out:
Are You Oughtistic?
1.
Do you feel you should get married even though you don't
want to get married and there isn't even anyone to get
married to?
2.
Do you feel you have to give blood, when you're down to
your last pint?
3.
Do you put on clean underwear every day just 'in case'
you get hit by a car?
4.
Have you ever accidentally ripped the tag off of a
mattress or pillow and gone to the local station house
and turned yourself in?
5.
Do you find yourself taking thirds of things you don't
like at all-you-can-eat buffets because you don't want
the cooks to feel bad?
6.
Have you taken an extra job to help pay off the national
debt?
7.
Did you recently buy a condo in Colorado just so you
could get a free toaster?
8.
If you're leaving for vacation for a few weeks, do you
always make sure a friend comes in to feed the roaches?
8.
Do you still raise your hand before going to the
bathroom?
10.
Are you reading this only because someone said you
oughta?
0
- 2 Yes answers: You are an independent thinker who
realizes that what other people think about you is
none of your business.
3
- 5 "Yes" answers: You pay too much
attention to others' opinions. If you're afraid of
what people think, here's good news -- most people
don't think!
6
- 7 "Yes" answers: You can't expect to fly
the higher planes if you are on oughtamatic pilot most
of the time. You oughta take the controls for a
change.
8
or more "Yes" answers: You are truly an
oughtomaton. You try to justify your life by saying,
"But I was only following oughtas."
Read
and/or share comments on this article.
 Reprinted
with permission from
Driving
Your Own Karma: Swami Beyondananda's Tour Guide to
Enlightenment".
©1989.
Published by Destiny Books.
To
order this book.
More
articles by Swami Beyondananda
Copyright 2000 by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved.
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