Children and Verbal Abuse

by Patricia Evans

What would it be like if all of us
regarded our children as children of God
-- which we could do, after all?
-- Alice Miller

Many questions surround the issue of children and verbal abuse. For example:

How can I encourage high self-esteem in my child?
What do I say to a child who has experienced verbal abuse from another child or from an adult?
What do I say to my child when he [she] calls me names?
How can my child best handle verbal abuse from peers?
What do I say to my child if I have left a relationship in which I experienced verbal abuse?
How can I keep myself separate when I share care of my child with my former spouse?

There are no perfect answers to these questions. The answers presented here are suggestions -- models of effective ways to communicate that are meant to assist you in the process of honoring, respecting, and protecting your child from the emotional and mental harm of verbal abuse.

Encouraging Your Child's Self-Esteem

When a parent faces a stressful situation and their child needs attention, the urgencies of the moment can invite a hasty response. Even when they have time to think, a parent may overlook obvious solutions or actions because his or her mind is in turmoil.

For this reason, it is helpful for parents to remind themselves of the need to treat their child with goodwill and respect, even when they feel stressed.

When respect becomes the context for what you say, what you say is more likely to convey respect.

Courses in parenting are given in most cities, and many books on raising children are available. Sometimes it is difficult to choose between different philosophies. When you choose books on parenting and child raising, I believe the most essential criterion is that they foster respect for the child. If you give your children love and attention, are empathetic to their feelings, and are honest with them and encourage their independence, you will, in most cases, see them grow up to be loving, attentive, empathetic, honest, and independent adults.

Sometimes peer pressure or abuse from outside the home and so forth can influence the child to act out in undesirable ways. Don't be quick to blame yourself. You can only do your best. When in doubt, seek outside help through parenting classes, counselors, and/or other parents you admire.

Communicating Confidence

I believe that one of the most effective ways to impart confidence is to allow the child to meet his or her own needs as soon as the child shows an ability to do so. Parents can say:

Do you want to try using this spoon yourself?
I'll wait while you tie your shoes.
Are you ready to make your own peanut butter sandwich?
Here is the way to use the washer.

Communicating Appreciation

Children respond to appreciation. They are born good, curious, and spontaneous. Every child has unique talents and interests.

As a parent, your job is to give your child the attention he or she needs. Noticing what the child likes -- music, dancing, running, bright colors, quiet times, sports, and so on -- and introducing and fostering the child's interests, even though they are not your own, brings forth from the child the child's own unique self. Following are ways of expressing appreciation:

What a beautiful picture.
Tell me about the book you like best.
It looks like you took extra time to make that.
Do you need some extra time to finish that?
I really appreciate your being quiet and waiting until I finished talking.

Continued in Part II:
Communicating Limits;
Communicating Choices;
When Children Hear Verbal Abuse;
Acknowledging Your Child's Feelings