|
Children and
Verbal Abuse
 by Patricia
Evans
Continued
from Part I
Communicating
Limits
Good
communication includes communicating limits to your
child. Children feel safe and cared for when parents set
limits for them. When they become adults, they set their
own limits. They are best able to do this when they
learn how during their childhood.
You can
set limits for your child while still validating his or
her feelings. For instance, it is natural for children
to want to stay up past bedtime or to want things they
can't have, but there are limits to their endurance and
to the number and kinds of possessions they can have.
You, as the parent, should encourage them to realize
this. For example:
-
I
hear you. You want to stay up, but now it's bedtime
for five-year-olds. After you're ready, we'll read a
story.
-
I
can see that you want to watch that on TV, but
that's not a kids' show. Let's pick out something
else.
-
That's
not okay.
-
When
you're screaming I can't hear you. Let me hear your
words.
-
Let's
talk about it.
-
Tell
me what you want.
-
No,
I'm not buying any toys today.
-
I'd
like you to have that, too, but I don't have the
money for it.
Communicating
Choices
Whenever
possible, children should be given the opportunity to
choose. It takes extra effort on the part of the parent
-- it's easier to say, "You're wearing this, like
it or not." But if your child learns early on that
she or he can make choices and take responsibility for
them, your child will be better able to make good
choices in life. Following are some examples of ways
that you can present your child with the opportunity to
make choices:
-
Do
you want corn or peas?
-
Both
your white top and your yellow top look nice with
these pants -- which do you want to wear?
-
This
is the school menu. Do you want to buy lunch or take
your own?
-
Is
there anything you want to do this school year, like
sports or the photography club?
-
Who
would you like to invite to your birthday party?
When Children
Hear Verbal Abuse
Sometimes,
even while trying to protect a child, a parent may lose
sight of just how to respect the child's feelings. For
example, a woman wrote, "In the past I had a
grandfather who yelled at me and berated me. My own
parents told me to not let Grandpa bother me -- to just
ignore him. I was really happy when he passed away"
In a
situation like this, the child needs to hear, "What
he just did [said] is not okay. Come with me while I
tell him." The abuser needs to hear, "What you
said to Mary [or John] is not okay. I really don't want
her [him] to hear this kind of talk again."
If you
are abused for speaking up, take yourself and your child
out of harm's way, again acknowledging your child's
feelings ("I know it hurts when he talks
mean") and reiterating to your child the fact that
that kind of talk is not okay.
If your
child is yelled at or put down in any way, she or he
needs your support. Sometimes a parent may inadvertently
teach a child to put up with abuse. It is sometimes
helpful to ask yourself, "Is there anything in what
I've said that minimizes the abuse?"
If a
child is told by a parent, "She [he] didn't mean
that," the child's experience is invalidated and
his or her pain discounted. The abuse is minimized and
the child is taught to tolerate it.
Minimizing
abuse is something most people are taught. To say,
"Forget it. He was just having a bad day" may
seem like a way to make the pain go away, but it just
leaves the hurt inside. And it's crazymaking. (Does
having a bad day make abuse okay?)
Acknowledging
Your Child's Feelings
When you
acknowledge your child's feelings and respond to verbal
abuse, you validate the child's experience. And you are
the all-sympathetic witness. In this way you teach your
child appropriate responses to verbal abuse and help
your child to honor his or her own feelings.
On the
other hand, teaching your child to pretend that words
don't hurt (something males especially are taught)
doesn't do anything good for the child. It even makes
children doubt themselves.
Depending
on your child's age and to whom she or he needs to
respond, your child needs to learn appropriate responses
to verbal abuse such as those covered in this book. Even
an older child needs emotional support to respond to an
adult who verbally abuses. "I'll stand by you"
may be all the child needs to hear.
Children
learn to abuse from adults and from each other. One of
the most effective responses a child can make to a peer
who puts him [her] down is to say, "That's what YOU
say," with a strong emphasis on "you."
This
response usually startles the other child and implies
"I don't buy it. You said it. You are responsible
for what you say."
Sometimes
a child is verbally abused while visiting a parent after
separation or divorce. I recently talked with a woman
whose son would come back from visiting his father
appearing very upset. When asked what was wrong, his
standard reply would be, "If I tell you, even if
you say you won't tell, he'll find out." Clearly,
this is a serious problem. The child is suffering and
feels too threatened to confide the incident.
If the
parent cannot gain the child's confidence, outside
intervention -- a family friend, relative, or counselor
who could become the child's confidant -- would be of
real value.
|
