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What Do We
Really Need?
by Marie T.
Russell
 We
humans seem to enjoy making life hard on ourselves. While there is almost always
an easy solution to life's challenges, we get a charge out of exerting our will
and making it go our way. We (ego) often try to force events to take place or to
develop in the way that we want them to -- we try to impose our will on the
energies of life. We push and we shove. We coerce bluntly or we manipulate
gently. Yet, through it all, we mostly refuse to let go and let the river of
life flow in its own meandering way.
The silent call
keeps going out--
"Please love me."
Rather than live out our life from
an energy of openness and love, we live it from the perspective of making things
go the way we want. By behaving in certain ways, we try to 'force' others to
love us -- we dress according to the acceptable fashion of the day, we buy the
car that will earn us love, we even spout the opinions that are up on the
popularity charts. All of this because we feel our own opinions may not be
acceptable. The silent call keeps going out -- "Please love me." Some people
send out that call by being rude and obnoxious. They feel that if people
"really" love them, they will love them even if they are 'unloving'. So they act
as if they don't need or want love, all the while hoping that people will love
them anyway.
Why do we do this? Is it because we
have a basic lack of trust in the process of life? Don't we believe that the
Universe is on our side? We ultimately always get what we need, but not always
what we desire. After all, we have so many desires, especially in this age of
technology and advertising media. Yet our needs are few--water, air, food,
shelter and love.
Due to the conditioning we have
undergone through our upbringing, TV, radio, billboards, and advertising
wherever we turn, we feel that our needs are many. We absolutely need that
new...whatever the new item on your agenda is today. But do we? Haven't we found
out that all those material possessions did not bring us love? Our ancestors
knew it. All of us, whether as far back as thousands of years, or as recently as
this decade, come from a race that has moved to another land leaving behind most
of its material possessions. People abandoned most of their belongings out of a
choice for religious freedom, or freedom from oppression, or simply from a
desire for adventure.
Some of us have experienced leaving
'most of it behind' in this life ourselves -- sometimes in a move to another
country, sometimes simply in a move to another location. Isn't it funny that
when you move you realize how you accumulated all this 'stuff'? We seem to be
'stuff' magnets -- demonstrating our need for material security. Somehow we seem
to think that security is equivalent with possessions. The more 'stuff' we have,
the more secure we feel. And we end up surrounded by material goodies, sometimes
to the extent that we don't even see the people in our lives any more.
We all want to be loved so much,
that we sometimes feel we need to hide who we are so that others will love us.
So we hide behind discussions of the weather (or current events or current soap
operas), we discuss and criticize other people, we keep conversations
superficial -- anything to ignore the fear inside..."Will I be loved?". We smile
when we don't feel like it, we say yes when we don't mean it, we do things that
go against the grain, all in order to be loved by others.
Some of us hide behind (or rather in
front) of the television, others hide in books, in sports, in hobbies, in work,
or in busy-ness (business). Others hide in making small-talk. We discuss
everyone in our lives, even the people we don't know (celebrities, soap opera
characters, the people in the news, sports stars, etc.), rather than open up and
let others see deep inside of us. Why? We are basically insecure even when we
have all the material trappings of 'security' around us.
This insecurity stems from one of
our basic needs -- the need to be loved. Everyone on this planet, whether
'hardened' criminals or innocent children, needs to be loved. Love is the
greatest healer, the greatest solution to all our ills, physical or emotional.
The need for love drives some of us to strange acts -- some people even kill for
love, others steal, others lie, or cheat, or connive.
Simply reach into
the core of your being
and pull out the loving being that resides there.
Yet, where does that get us? It
places us in a situation where we do not love ourselves. Because, if no one else
sees the truth of our being, we do. We see the lies, the deception, the
pretending, the false smiles. We hear the inner mental chatter -- the judgment,
the blame, the criticism, the cynicism, etc. We hear that mental chatter, and we
believe we are not lovable. For after all, how could someone love us if they
knew what we are 'really' like? So, once again, we reinforce our belief that we
must smile to hide the anger, be nice to earn the love, and generally bury our
emotions in order to be loved by those whose love we desire.
Aren't we strange? We often take the
long way around, when there is such an easy way to receive love. We simply need
to be ourselves and to give love. Any time we need love, the solution
resides in giving love. In the same way that if we crave attention, we
simply need to give attention -- we will always receive as we give. There is no
need to coerce, manipulate, or pretend. Simply reach into the core of your being
and pull out the loving being that resides there. It may be a little dusty
because it has been sitting on the shelf so long. Yet, it is there, and surely
in good working order...it may simply need a little lubricant, and that
lubricant is simply, you got it, love.
Love makes the world go round.
Cliché? Maybe not. Things certainly have not been going roundly on the planet
with wars, murders, rapes, thefts, and general unloving behavior patterns. It
there was more love, a lot of these things would simply disappear. Pollyanna,
you say? I think not. Reflect on it for a minute. During any war, if everyone
had loved the people in the country they were fighting (instead of hating and
fearing them), how could they have murdered them? (Oh, yes, I know, in wars we
don't call it murder. Yet murder it is.) Would rape take place if love existed?
How could someone who felt love towards you impose their will upon you? Happens
all the time? I think not. What many people feel for and from others is not
love, but manipulation and neediness. We need each other for whatever reason, so
we coerce and manipulate, certainly not love.
Love simply
because it feels good to love,
even if it is frightening at times...
What is the solution? First we start
by forgiving ourselves and the others around us. After all, we were all looking
for love, and simply not knowing how to get it. We were all deluded in thinking
that our `forced' behavior would bring us love. So forgive yourself...you did
the best you knew how. Forgive others, for they also did the best they knew. And
go from there. Learn to love. To truly love. The way that children love before
we "pollute" them with neediness, greediness, and fear of rejection. Love simply
for the fun of loving, with no attachment to returns. Love simply because it
feels good to love, even if it is frightening at times -- after all, we may be
rejected, laughed at, ridiculed or simply ignored. But hey, it won't kill us.
Rejection does not kill. It may hurt, but when we realize that the others are
simply rejecting us because they have not learned how to love, it makes it
easier to handle.
Then what do we do? Keep on loving.
Not falsely, not behind a "plastic" smile, but from the true space of your inner
being. From the reality of life that knows that no one is perfect, yet realizes
that we are all doing the best we can at the moment.
Love, compassion, generosity,
kindness, all of these are the medicine that the world needs, starting with
ourselves, our families, our neighbors, our co-workers, etc. Rather than dish
out portions of criticism, mockery, and triviality, let's dish out portions of
love... We'll have less indigestion, less illness, and much more happier
returns. That's what we really need!
 Recommended
book:
Love & Survival: 8 Pathways to Intimacy and Health
by Dean Ornish, M.D.
Info/Order book
 About The
Author
Marie
T. Russell is the founder of InnerSelf Magazine (founded 1985). She also produced and hosted a weekly South Florida radio broadcast, Inner
Power, from 1992-1995 which focused on themes such as self-esteem,
personal growth, and well-being. Her articles focus on transformation and
reconnecting with our own inner source of joy and creativity.
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