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And
So Life Goes...
by Marie T. Russell
 While
speaking to a friend who has recently “lost” a dear
one to death, I was reminded that we sometimes don’t
feel comfortable around such situations. The
thoughts come up: “What do I say? How can I make that
person feel better? Is it better to speak or to be silent?”
I recall
that years ago, when my mother passed away, I really
felt happier when I was not remembering her absence -- I
know this may seem obvious, but think about it. When we
dwell on something, it takes up our whole consciousness,
and sets the tone for our whole experience. The
times when I was stuck in depression were the times when
I felt sorry for myself and did not seem to be able to
think of anything else but my loss. I had not
progressed to the stage where I could remember her with
love and gratitude, and happy memories. I was still in
the poor me stage, so thinking about her, or being
reminded of her, just brought out the tears, not the
smiles and cherished memories.
There
were other days or moments when I would be living in a
world of pleasure and beauty enjoying the present. I
once again felt in love with life and would go out to
meet it with peace of mind, not focusing on my loss.
Then someone would come along who, of course with good
intentions, would say “Oh, I’m really sorry about
your mother...” etc. I would once again drop off of
the wavelength of “feeling happy” and on to one of
“feeling sad and sorry for myself”. I remember hating those situations...
to the point where I moved away from our small community
in order to start anew without all these painful
reminders. (In those days, running away was my medicine
of choice.)
Now, of
course, I see more clearly that I was not yet able to
face and deal with the emotions that were coming up in
me following my mother’s death ...anger, sorrow,
guilt, pain, rejection, abandonment, lack of control... In other words, all my stuff was
coming up -- but at that time I had not yet discovered the
tools to process all this emotional matter and had to
leave the scene of the crime (so to speak!) in order to
heal my wounds.
I did
indeed feel like a wounded animal and certainly did not
appreciate people kindly wanting to dig into my wound. I
did what animals do when hurt... They go off alone to
rest and heal. They don't "hang out with the
pack" for sympathy, but rather go away in solitude
to let nature take its course.
I
realize that we feel uncomfortable in a lot of other day
to day situations. We may have feelings come up that we
don't want to look at, or we simply don't know how to
respond. We often respond in the way that we have
learnt... we sympathize, we say "Aah, poor
you" -- whether the comment is addressed to us, or
to someone else.
Look at
a typical response when someone is ill (talking about
the illness), or when two lovers go separate ways
(talking about the separation), or any other situation
when we sympathize with the other’s “negative”
situation. We usually respond with "sympathy",
which usually means we utter some comment to the
equivalent of "poor you".
Sympathizing means (according to Webster)
sharing another’s feelings... It is
not a very uplifting and positive way to deal with
negative occurrences. You cannot get someone out of the
ditch by sharing their plight and getting into the ditch
yourself -- then you'll both be
in the ditch, and will need someone else to
"rescue" you. You can only help by lifting
them out from above.
So also
with emotional ditches. You have to stay on the outside
so you can lend a helping hand by extending love and
inspiration. Getting into the rut yourself with “sympathy”
will certainly not make the other person feel better.
They may just end up feeling much worse when you agree
with them that they are indeed in a terrible situation,
thus adding fuel to the fire... Sharing thoughts along
the "poor you" line, and commiserating with
the person on how bad things are, will not in any way
uplift or inspire.
I am not
referring to feeling empathy, which is quite
different... When we empathize, we "understand the
other's pain", but we don't get into the rut with
them. Empathizing allows us to get in touch with the
emotions of the moment, feel what they are feeling,
become aware of their experience, and then respond from a
"higher" place in our consciousness.
It might
serve us to think twice before uttering trite sympathies
in such situations, and instead ask ourselves what is
the most loving thing to do and say? Each situation,
each moment is different, so the response one moment may
be entirely different than the response the next.
In some
situations, a caring hug and allowing the
other to express their pain and their grief is required. At other
times, it may be more loving to not speak about the
"negative" or painful situation and instead
bring some joy and light to the “afflicted” person.
It may be indeed a highly loving action to go out and
play tennis with the person, bringing pleasure to their
life, rather than get into a
sympathy or "poor you" framework.
When we
take a moment to "tune in" and reflect, and
asking our Higher Self for inspiration, we will be
guided to the "right" words or action. Our
intention must be to support and love, in whatever way
feels appropriate at the moment.
 Recommended
book on this topic:
And Now, and Here: On Death, Dying, and Past Lives
by Osho.
Info/Order
book
 About The
Author
Marie
T. Russell is the founder of InnerSelf Magazine (founded 1985). She also produced and hosted a weekly South Florida radio broadcast, Inner
Power, from 1992-1995 which focused on themes such as self-esteem,
personal growth, and well-being. Her articles focus on transformation and
reconnecting with our own inner source of joy and creativity.
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