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Boundaries

by Marie T. Russell

Boundaries... barriers... walls... All these words have similar meanings. They indicate a place where one must stop and go no further. In some cases boundaries and walls are wonderful. They stop us from falling over the edge of a cliff, they prevent us from "overstepping" into someone's "space", but as with all good things, too much of a "good thing" becomes its opposite... bad.

Many of us, especially women, have read about and been told to put up boundaries to protect ourselves from abuse. In some cases, this does indeed afford protection, but in some cases all it does is put up a wall between us and someone else, between us and our good, between us and discovering something new.

I called someone the other day on their beeper. They did not recognize my number, so they called me back not knowing who they were calling... When I answered "hello" we both hemmed and hawed not wanting to be the first to divulge our identity. She didn't feel "safe" in being the first to say "this is so-and-so, you paged me?" and until I knew who it was I didn't feel safe in saying "This Marie". Her comment was that it was sad that neither of us felt safe to divulge our identity.

This made me think. How many times do we hold back from revealing our "true identity" or our "true beliefs" before we feel safe that the other person will agree with those beliefs, or be on the "same wavelength". This is especially true in the area of personal beliefs that we are in the process of changing. We do not feel secure in our new beliefs, so we hold back from expressing them in case someone will disagree with them, or ridicule us for them.

While in some cases, that might be wise, in other cases it keeps us from growing, from discovering other people who also are searching. In 1985, when I started InnerSelf Magazine as a local magazine in South Florida, many people said to me that there were not enough people in South Florida that were interested in personal growth and holistic health to have a viable advertiser base. I disagreed with them. I knew, and was later proved right, that there were many people living in the "closet" for fear of "exposing" themselves. They felt alone in their beliefs -- they believed that they were the only ones changing and becoming more attuned to their inner self. When these people discovered the magazine InnerSelf (or any other publication in the same vein), they realized that they weren't the "only ones" and that gave them permission to "come out of the closet" and be up front about themselves... about their beliefs and their dreams.

Are you living in the closet of your mind, of your fears, of your beliefs? Have you put up walls between yourself and the people around you believing they wouldn't understand? Are you hiding your truth from the people you work with, from your family, from the people you meet believing that they wouldn't accept you if they knew what you "really believed"... that you believe, perhaps, in such "strange concepts" as communicating with angelic beings, reincarnation, fasting, healing with the power of thought... whatever.

The main problem with our hiding behind our walls of safety is that the people around us do not get to benefit from our experience, from our newly acquired knowledge. Now, I'm not talking here about becoming a "preacher" trying to convert anyone and everyone to your new beliefs... whether it be a new diet, a new belief, or a new way of behaving. Sharing our truth with others is not about trying to convince them... it is about being honest with ourselves and with others. And yes, sometimes it can be scary.

Yet, if all the previous people who had new ideas and concepts had refused to share them with the world, we'd still be living without electricity, thinking the world is flat, and walking everywhere instead of flying or driving. While your new beliefs and knowledge may not be as "earth shattering" as inventing the airplane, it may be very important to the person you share it with. We never know when sharing with someone from our heart will make a huge difference in their life. Sometimes they may have been waiting for a "clue" to guide them in a new direction, and your words help support their decision. While that is a weighty "responsibility", we are not responsible for what people do with our sharing. We simply share because of an inner need to express what we feel is "our truth", and the other person then takes that information and applies it to their life... or they don't. That is not our responsibility, it is not our choice. But if we hold back and don't speak up, we are robbing the other person of the opportunity of making that choice. 

So many times, people say to me that the articles I write speak directly to them... That is perhaps because I am not writing to convince anyone... I am simply sharing the "newest" thought that's become clear to me... It's not a "new thought" at all... but to me it is newly "clear"... and perhaps to someone else it is new, or perhaps they simply needed reminding. We never know when our truth is exactly what is needed at the time. Yet is we remain behind our boundary of safety, then everyone misses out. We miss out on sharing and giving light and love, and the other person misses out on receiving.

Now of course, one must respect other people's boundaries, but, we also must trust that sometimes those boundaries needs a little stretching. We all tend to be very attached to our "comfort zone". Yet, many times growth comes to us when we have been shaken from that comfort zone. Sometimes we are the ones being shaken, and sometimes we are the ones shaking others... gently of course. We do not need to convince or convert anyone, we simply need to be honest about our truth. If someone says something that you disagree with, or that you have a "higher perspective" on that "truth", then perhaps it is your duty to share it... to let your light shine on that truth.

How else do we learn except by being exposed to a different perspective, to information we were not familiar with? We are all teachers and students. I learn from you and you learn from me. In the same vein, you learn (hopefully) from the people in your life, and they have the opportunity to learn from you as well. Sometimes we learn from people's mistakes, sometimes from their examples, but always we have the opportunity to look around us and see "little mirrors" of ourselves. We are all "in the same boat" and if we start learning from each other and sharing what we have learned with others, perhaps we can get to where we're going faster. 

If everyone lives isolated behind their boundary, then each and every one of us has to reinvent the wheel... rather than benefiting from the fact that someone else discovered the concept and we get to apply it to our lives.

I encourage all of us to start peeking out from behind our boundaries... We may find that we all have been living lonely existences behind those walls, and that when we "come out" we have a whole group of people who also are waiting to "come out" when they see they're not alone. A good anthem for all of us may be the old song that goes "This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine. This little light of mine...". 

According to the book "Cultural Creatives" we are over 50 million strong wanting to create change in the world... We can do it... Let your light shine and help bring those changes about sooner... Your light can help "enlighten up" someone else, and so on and so forth... 

We can do it! All together now: "This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine..."

Recommended book: 

The Cultural Creatives
by Paul H. Ray, Ph.D., and Sherry Ruth Anderson

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