Taking
It Personally
by Marie T. Russell
A while
back, in the spirit of wanting things to be
"better", I rearranged the furniture in the
office. The changes were a little unconventional, yet
practical, at least to my point of view. I loved the new
arrangement although — according to interior design
rules — it may have been classed as "different" if
not outright "weird". Yet, the layout was more
efficient and would lead to a better functioning of the
office.
Yet I
was surprised when the change was greeted with what I
felt was disapproval. "The others" didn't like it.
They didn't react the way I had wished with an
enthusiastic "Oh! this is wonderful!" The changes
were greeted with "What is THIS?!" comments. Now
that in itself is not a problem, after all everyone has
different tastes and sees things from their own point of
view. And of course, people often have a resistance to
change, especially when the change is thrust upon them
without giving them a chance to make a choice. So, the
reactions of my co-workers was not surprising, and could
have been expected if I had given it some thought
beforehand. So their reaction was not really a problem.
The "problem"
was my reaction. I found myself feeling hurt, and
disappointed, at their reaction. Somewhat like a child
who had prepared a gift or surprise, only to have it
looked upon as unworthy. I felt that not only had my
redecoration not passed the "test", but that I
personally had been judged and rejected. I felt like the
"masterpiece" I had created had been scoffed
at and ridiculed.
Of
course this was not the case, but the "insecure child"
inside me felt that it was. I found myself feeling upset
and "un"-something... a mixture of unaccepted,
unloved, unworthy, unwanted, etc. Basically, I found
that because my action was not accepted, I felt that I
was not accepted. Because my action was not greeted
enthusiastically and loved immediately, I felt that I
was also unloved. I experienced feeling unloved though
it was simply my action that was unloved.
I have
seen this behavior before... both in myself and in those
around me. And I'm sure you're familiar with the feeling
yourself. If you do something that I do not love, does
this mean I do not love you? Of course not. It does not
mean that I do not love you, simply that I do not love
your action. A good example is a mother and child. If
the child spills something or breaks something... the
mother may not love the action, but she still loves the
child (even though she may feel angry at the
moment).
In the
same way, if I don't particularly care for the clothes
you wear, it simply means that I don't care for the
clothes, it does not reflect on my feelings towards you
as a person. Or if you do something I don't care for, it
is the action I don't care for... It does not affect my
true feelings for you.
Where do
these feelings of insecurity come from? Why do we react
and take these things personally? What is really going
on? Once again it means taking a look at our level of
self-love, self-acceptance, and self-esteem. If we are
looking to others to fulfill those "needs", we feel
disappointed when they do not sanction our behavior.
Their non-acceptance of our behavior translates to our
"needy" child as non-acceptance of our Self.
Because
we are seeking approval and self-esteem through others'
eyes, when they do not approve of us, then our own level
of self-esteem and self-approval falls. Because we are
not firmly entrenched in our own self-love, a scowl or
frown from someone we look up to, tears a hole in the
veil of our self-esteem.
What's
the remedy? The metaphysical prescription is to repeat a
million times (or as long as it takes for it to sink
in), "I am worthy. I am loved. I accept and love
myself just the way I am." This simple statement can
be repeated over and over anytime, anywhere. A good
place (and a challenging one) is in front of the mirror.
A good time is anytime that you sense feelings of
self-doubt and low self-esteem kicking in. A good reason
is because you deserve to be loved, and the first person
you deserve it from is yourself... If not you, then who?
If not now, then when?
Once we
truly love ourselves, we won't interpret the actions
and words of those around us as validation, or lack of
validation, of ourselves. We will be secure in our own
self-worth and our self-esteem will not be at the mercy
of others' opinion.
So, the
next time someone doesn't like the way you do
something, you need not interpret that as a judgment of
your "worthiness". You are a child of God, "created
unto the image of the Father" and no action or thought
can change that. As a child of the Universe, "you
have a right to be here" regardless of anyone's
opinion or judgment of you or your actions.
The
American Bill of Rights states that we have the right to
the pursuit of happiness. Well, whether American or not,
the pursuit of happiness is not what we really have the
right to. We have the right to happiness, not just to
the pursuit of it. And happiness is found inside our
selves when we accept ourselves the way we are, with our
qualities as well as our "failings"...
Happiness,
it has been said, is an "inside job". No one
can "make you happy" just as no one can
"make you" angry, sad, etc. These are choices
we make, each day, each moment of our day, with each
thought we have (or don't have). When we let the words
and attitudes of others decide how we feel about
ourselves, we are giving up our power to be happy... we
have given that power over to someone else.
We have
the right to be happy, and we have the right to choose
happiness, self-esteem, self-worth, etc. each and every
moment of our lives, with every breath we take. Enjoy!
In joy!
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