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Shifting
Gears
by
Marie T. Russell
Oh,
dear! I did it again. Shifted gears. Things were going
along smoothly, everyone was feeling good, the
vibrations were pleasant and then I shifted gears. I
guess you could say that I shifted into reverse.
Someone
said something that "pushed my button", and
I shifted out of a positive and calm head-space, into one
where anger and impatience were grinding their wheels. I
shifted from high gear directly into, not only a lower
gear, but actually reverse. I felt like I'd stepped
back into an old version of myself... the one who used
to be there... the one who had a very short temper, and
who got impatient so easily. Where did the wonderful 'enlightened'
person go? Was this a case of split personality? Had I
undergone a "regression" of sorts?
I let my
anger pour out, and "dumped" it all over.
Everyone who was present got an earful, and the energy
was "yucky" to say the least.
After my
outburst, I left the office to go run some long delayed
errands. I felt close to tears. What had gone on? Why
had I been so petty and let anger take me over? I had
been feeling so proud of my patience and lack of anger,
and here it was rearing its ugly head. I felt so
disappointed with myself. Hadn't I learned anything
yet? Was I going backward in my development instead of
forward?
Fortunately,
I was able to talk about this with a friend shortly
after. What I finally understood was that a lot of this
anger had been stored in me for a while. An event that
had happened many times before and about which I had
held back my feelings happened again. I had not
originally expressed what I felt and what I wanted. Thus
the resentment or frustration was already building up in
me, and this additional
occurrence became the proverbial straw that broke the
camel's back.
This
situation may feel familiar to you. A
co-worker (substitute "friend", "family
member", etc.) had asked me to do something (which
I didn't want to do) and rather than
be clear and say that I didn't want to do it, I
said I would do it "later". This was simply my
way of not "disappointing them" by saying no,
and at the same time not having to do what I didn't want
to do in the first place. At the time, it seemed like a
"win-win" situation. Everyone was happy. They
they were happy because they were getting what they
wanted, or at least had a commitment from me they would
get what they wanted later. And I was happy, because I
had gotten out of doing what I didn't want to do. I'd
deal with the situation "later".
Later came and she asked if I
would do it before I left to do my errands. This
triggered my impatience (and guilt) and frustration at
having to face this situation again. The fact of the matter is that
if I had been open, in the first place, in sharing that I
did not want to do this particular thing, the situation
would never have occurred. But because of my initial
"fudging", or lying actually, I found myself
caught in the trap of my own doing. I had agreed to do
something which I did not want to do, but because of an
ingrained difficulty in saying no, I found myself
feeling like a cornered animal... angry, fearful, and
lashing out at whatever was in front of me.
After
this scenario, I was left with the very clear reminder
that it is always best to speak your truth and say what you are feeling.
Sometimes we hold back thinking that we are protecting
the other's feelings. But that is not true. Actually
honesty is always the best policy. There are no secrets
in the Universe. We never really withhold anything from
anyone because we psychically communicate our message.
What this means, is that when we have some anger or
resentment towards someone, they feel it even if we don't
say a word, or even if we think we are "covering it up"
real well. This then creates an undercurrent of tension
and frustration, which only builds up to an explosion
further along down the road.
Now I
know that if there had been no cobwebs in the machinery
of communication, the gears would not have automatically
shifted themselves into reverse (anger). But since I had
been dishonest with them and with me, the conclusion had
to be an imbalance which needed to be
"righted".
We can
never run away from ourselves, and we can't run away
from others either, because we carry them within us...
We carry their memory, their words, their effect on us.
Any time we think we are "getting away with
something", we need to think again. We never
"get away" from ourselves, and the people in
our lives always help to bring out of us that which we
think we are hiding... The truth will always out, so why
wait and have the fear and anger and resentment both
against ourselves and others fester? Better to live
honestly with ourselves and honor the people in our
lives with our trust and honesty. We all deserve to live
in integrity. We will be better for it, and so will our
world.
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