The Need to Disidentify

Emerging from divorce with a new and healthier perspective of life requires viewing yourself as much more than a spouse, realizing that your identity goes well beyond the tremendous pain you associate with that role. One of the best ways to do this is through a process called disidentification.

Marilyn is a forty-two-year-old West Coast loan officer. She first came to see Kathleen following an agonizing decision to end a ten-year marriage that had been on the skids for almost two years. She and her husband had tried counseling with little success; both recently had concluded that divorce was inevitable. "I would've thought that finally deciding to end the struggle would be a relief," Marilyn told me with a puzzled look. "But if anything, it's left me anxious. I know this is the right thing to do, and yet there's a voice inside my head saying, 'Go back! You made a horrible mistake! Go back!"'

Marilyn found great comfort in a simple exercise developed by Roberto Assagioll, founder of a branch of psychology called psychosynthesis. This exercise speaks to a fundamental principle long recognized by many of the world's ancient philosophies and religions, namely, that in times of trouble you need to remove your garments of life in order to see the whole person underneath -- an act referred to as "driving yourself to the core".

Just reading the following disidentification exercise may leave you feeling that something so simple couldn't possibly be valuable. This problem arises when casually reading any meditative exercise; it's like trying to absorb the full impact of a Mozart symphony by reading the sheet music. But Kathleen and many of her colleagues have seen hundreds of people achieve great measures of calm and "regain their center" by working with this exercise fifteen or twenty minutes a day.

While this isn't so much a ritual as it is a simple daily exercise, you can increase its power by steeping it in two of ritual's most basic tenets.

First, perform the exercise in a place that's comfortable and private, perhaps even sacred, where you will have absolutely no distractions. Unplug the phone. Lock yourself in the attic. Do whatever you have to do to honor this time.

Second, if a particular activity helps you relax before you begin -- a bath, running, listening to music -- make that part of the routine. (Keep in mind that while alcohol may relax you, it will diminish your ability to focus.) Are there special clothes -- colors, fabrics, or designs -- that make you more prepared to focus inward? If you prefer to follow the sound of a voice, then make (or have a friend make) a tape of the instructions; the words should be read or spoken quietly and slowly, and if necessary, repeated several times.

Sit in a comfortable, relaxed position. Close your eyes and take several deep breaths; breathe in and out from your belly. You may find that your mind is running at high speed; see your thoughts pass by, but don't follow them. Watch them drift through your consciousness as if they were leaves floating down a river or smoke rising from a chimney. If it takes you ten or fifteen minutes of breathing before you feel calm, before your mind slows its chattering, that's fine. Take all the time you need. When you're ready, say the following lines, repeating each as many times as necessary until there occurs a "spark of recognition."

I have a body, but I am not my body. I am myself. I have feelings, but I am not my feelings. I am myself. I have a mind, but I am not my mind. I am myself. I am. I am. I am myself.

The purpose of this exercise isn't to belittle your body, your feelings, or your mind. Rather, its purpose is to acknowledge that there's more to you than is defined by any single item or object. In times of stress, you might think that your current physical, mental, or emotional feelings are the sum total of reality. But that just isn't so. Your body is a precious instrument of action and experience in the outer world, but it isn't you. Likewise, your feelings may swing wildly from love to hate, calm to anger, joy to sorrow, but your essence, your true nature, doesn't change. 

We know for a fact that people can learn to direct and integrate their emotions to serve specific needs. Much the same can be said about your mind, which is constantly changing as it embraces new experience and knowledge. While your mind may provide you with valuable pieces of knowledge about the world around you, it is not you. "You" lies beyond your mind, beyond your body, beyond your feelings, in a quiet, seamless center deep inside.

Continued in Part III: 
Embracing Loss