continued from Part II

Divorce and Loss

by Kathleen Wall Ph.D.
& Gary Ferguson

Embracing Loss

When performed on a regular basis, the disidentification exercise will help you come to know an endurable, unshakable self inside, one with the power to fashion new worlds out of ash and rubble. The fact that such an exercise can keep you from being consumed by your emotions doesn't mean that it could, or should, keep you from fully acknowledging the pain that's come on the heels of your separation.

Divorce throws a harsh, glaring light on a great many crumbled dreams, on plans that were once bright and full of promise but that now lay shattered and abandoned. While you can't spend all your time dwelling on these losses, you can't ignore them, even though facing them may hurt. This kind of recognition and acceptance always is painful, even for people enthusiastic about ending their relationship.

In order to work through this pain, you may find it helpful to honor your loss through a special ceremony. (Note that when we say honor, we're talking about feeling the depth of the loss without letting anger get loose and take you somewhere else. This doesn't mean repressing your anger. Look at it directly. Tell it that you understand it has a valid reason for being there. Then move on to the calmer, somewhat more detached place lying underneath.)

Lillian, a forty -five-year-old Denver attorney, arranged to use an out-of-town friend's apartment for an evening ceremony, thereby removing herself from her day-to-day environment. When she arrived at her friend's the night of the ritual, the first thing Lillian did was unplug the phones and then sit quietly for fifteen minutes to focus on why she was there. Afterward, she wrote on separate slips of paper a brief description of each hope and dream she felt had died with the end of her marriage. She thought of the country house that she and her husband intended to build, of the Christmases that were to be spent with grandchildren, of the trip overseas she and her husband were going to take now that their two daughters were off to college. "That evening brought the tears out of me like nothing else had", she admitted later.

Next, Lillian built a small fire in the fireplace, thoughtfully and purposefully placing each piece of kindling and each log, slowing down whenever she felt she was starting to hurry. When the fire was burning well, she proceeded to feed each slip of paper into the flames, one at a time, acknowledging aloud that she was letting go of that particular dream. When the last piece of paper disappeared in the flames, she sat in front of the fire and watched until it burned out completely, honoring the emptiness, the quiet space that lies between a former state of being and the one yet to come. Afterward, she dressed in an outfit she'd purchased earlier for the occasion and went out for an elegant, if somewhat melancholy, dinner with her best friend.

You can create a release ceremony with a special object that symbolizes your loss. Some people burn or bury treasured photographs, marriage certificates, even wedding rings, not as an act of anger but of release. Others prefer to place their notes or objects in a special bag or box that, for the time being, can be stored in their home until they decide what to do with it. The very act of closing that box or bag and putting it far away from your everyday life is a powerful symbolic gesture of your intent to reposition this pain, to reduce its prominence. Again, such ritual actions and symbols mean little by themselves. But held within the context of a sincere desire to enact change, they are potent indeed.

This article has been excerpted with permission from the book "Rites of Passage" published by Beyond Words Publishing, Hillsboro, OR 97124-9808. 800-284-9673. http://www.beyondword.com.

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