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If
You Care about Me,
You'll Read My Mind
by
Elayne Savage, Ph.D.
Expectations
and Disappointments
A
surefire way to plummet into overwhelming
disappointment is to expect too much from
relationships. We're programmed to have
unrealistic expectations from movies and TV,
from romance stories all promising better than
wonderful experiences with better than
beautiful people who can anticipate our every
wish. We want someone to be always caring,
always considerate, always loveable, always
giving. But these romantic illusions too often
leave us feeling cheated and disillusioned --
betrayed by our own ideals.
Part
of the problem stems from the fact that we
don't know how to ask for what we want or
need. Society has shown us that people who
directly state their needs get labeled as
pushy or needy, so we find other methods to
try to get our needs met and we usually end up
disappointed. We want others to read our minds
or give us a specific sign that proves they
care for us, so that we don't actually have to
ask for anything. We imagine how a situation
will turn out or how a person will act and are
disappointed when things don't go as planned.
We may even find ourselves repeating these
patterns of expectation and disappointment.
One
woman often found herself getting annoyed at
her boyfriend because he didn't tell her how
much he missed her when he was traveling on
business. After all, isn't that what
boyfriends were supposed to do when you'd been
dating for over five months? She'd find
herself fantasizing about things he might say
to her on the phone -- how he loved her, how
he thought about her. Although he'd call
"just to say hello", the
conversations were brief and words she wanted
so desperately to hear never passed his lips.
She'd tell herself that he really didn't care
about her as much as she cared about him,
because if he did he would tell her.
I'm
reminded of another business-trip story.
Claire and Andrew were seeing quite a bit of
each other even though both were still dating
others. They were still finding their way in
the relationship, not quite knowing what to
expect from the other. When Claire had to fly
across country for a week of meetings, she
told Andrew where she'd be staying, hoping
he'd call. Meanwhile, he wanted to call her
but held back, telling himself, "If she's
thinking about me she'll call me". In
fact, she missed him a lot but was waiting for
him to call first because that would mean he
was thinking about her. It turned into
a waiting game, each one thinking the other
one didn't care enough to call. If only one of
them realized, "Wait a minute here. I
care and I'm still not letting myself call
first. Just maybe he (she) cares, too."
A
woman I know would get irked because her
teenage daughters would never ask what they
could do around the house to help out. It's
not that they wouldn't help out if she asked,
but she really wanted them to read her mind
and say something like, "Mom, is there
anything we can do in the house for you
today?" Or better yet, wouldn't it be
wonderful if they would just change a light
bulb or scrub the shower tiles of their own
volition? This would be a sign that they cared
about her.
continued:
Repeating
Patterns Can Get Tiresome,
Complaining, Expectations,
Needs vs. Neediness...
 This
article excerpted from:
"Don't Take It Personally -
The Art of Dealing with Rejection"
by Elayne Savage, Ph.D.
Info/Order
this book
About The
Author
Elayne
Savage holds a Ph.D. in family psychology and draws on 25 years of
clinical experience in her work with individuals, couples, and families
in her private practice in Berkeley, California. A frequent media guest,
she lectures at several colleges and conducts seminars in the San
Francisco Bay area. This article was excerpted with permission from her
book Don't Take It Personally, published by New Harbinger
Publications, Oakland, CA 94609. www.newharbinger.com
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