If You Care about Me,
You'll Read My Mind

by Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

continued from Part 1

Repeating Patterns Can Get Tiresome

"We're a perfect fit -- the rocks in my head match the holes in his head." A client made this comment as she recounted how she repeatedly gravitates toward people and situations that re-create childhood experiences. It's as if there's a powerful force that draws us to the same situations again and again. And our expectations that things will be different this time are simply setting us up for disappointment.

For example, someone who tends to be dependent on others will hook up with a person who needs to take over and control situations. Someone who has learned to think of himself or herself as a victim might become involved with a victimizer, either in work or personal relationships. 

What is the attraction here? Why do we repeat old behaviors again and again? What makes us unwittingly choose situations that deal with our old issues? There are two basic reasons, and they are not mutually exclusive. Both situations can exist at the same time, in the same situations, with the same people.

First, there is a familiarity about the situation. It is comfortable because it is known, even though rationally it may not be desirable. We think we know what to expect, so we kick off our shoes and settle in -- I guess you could say it feels like home -- maybe we even get a little homesick for it when it's not around. Something that is known feels more secure that something unknown. The unknown is scary.

Secondly, we tend to repeat our past in an effort to understand it, learn something from it, and overcome it. We tend to repeat an old pattern in an effort to come to terms with it. If we do it enough times, maybe we'll finally get it right. Each time we dance the same dance, we can get better and quicker at recognizing the dynamics.

You can choose to berate yourself for circling around the same predicament or getting involved in the same old kind of relationship for the second or third time, or maybe even the fourth or fifth time. Or you can pat yourself on the back, and say, "This time it only took me four months to notice what I was doing!" If you can look at it as a challenge and ask yourself, "What did I learn from this?" you can hopefully move on.

Scratch the Surface of Complaining & You Find?

While unfulfilled expectations can be a cause of disappointment, complaining is a sign of disappointment. Have you ever found yourself feeling disappointed about what someone did or didn't do, then getting on their case about seemingly insignificant things? Complaining can take may forms: nagging, grumbling, fussing, scolding, whining. Come to think of it, all these behaviors are a way of making contact with someone, aren't they? There's a good chance you'll get a reaction from that person -- maybe a negative one, but at least it's some attention. And if you've been feeling discounted or invalidated because someone disappointed you, any attention seems important.

Let's take a closer look at the complaining. If you scratch the surface, what would be under the protective covering? The harshness of complaining often hides the softness of yearning -- a hope or expectation that didn't get met, a need that didn't get fulfilled. Perhaps something you really wanted didn't happen. One way to get results is by saying, "This is what I need from you, this is how I'd like it to be next time." If you can eliminate the hard edge of complaining to the other person, he or she probably won't get defensive in return.

continued: Expecting too much of others?,
                      Needs vs. Neediness...

This article excerpted from: 

"Don't Take It Personally - The Art of Dealing with Rejection" by Elayne Savage, Ph.D.
Info/Order this book

Elayne Savage holds a Ph.D. in family psychology and draws on 25 years of clinical experience in her work with individuals, couples, and families in her private practice in Berkeley, California. A frequent media guest, she lectures at several colleges and conducts seminars in the San Francisco Bay area. This article was excerpted with permission from her book Don't Take It Personally, published by New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, CA 94609. www.newharbinger.com

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