If You Care about Me,
You'll Read My Mind

by Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

continued from Part 2

Do You Expect Too Much of Others?

We often set people up to be icons. We don't want to look at the real them -- we only want to look at our "pin-up". Disappointments result from having unreasonable expectations or too much anticipation; looking for "proof" of love; or having partners who can't say "no" but can't follow through on their promises either. Disappointments also develop from one-sided "secret contracts" that are based on a presumption that the other person will cooperate in a plan that was not discussed beforehand. And there certainly can be disappointments from misinterpretations or miscommunications.

Disappointments are related to needs -- needs that exist but don't get verbalized. Growing up we may have been told that our needs didn't count or we were selfish if we needed something. As a result, we never learned to put words to our needs. Instead we'd just cross our fingers and hope beyond hope that someone would read our minds. Most likely they didn't or they couldn't or they wouldn't, and we'd get disappointed. And we were slow learners, too -- we'd just keep crossing those fingers and keep getting disappointed.

Needs versus Neediness

Needs are a fact of life, whether we acknowledge them or not. The truth is, we all have them -- and it really is okay. The trouble is, many of us grew up not knowing this, and if we tried to express a want or need, we might have been told something like, "You're selfish" or "You're more trouble than you're worth." When I heard things like that, I'd tell myself I was too worthless to have any needs. Not only did my needs not count, but I managed to discount myself as well.

You may have been too busy during childhood taking care of everybody else, and there was no time for your own needs. Maybe you were the parentified child, the responsible one. You may have felt needed by others, but often didn't get what you needed from them. Perhaps you got the message that there was no space in your family to have needs. Maybe you were made to feel ashamed if you had needs, and now you're afraid you'll be ridiculed for having them. Somehow having needs was labeled bad or shameful, and got relegated to existing in an underground manner, with ploys and manipulations. If you couldn't put words to the need, there could be little clarity about it, creating a kind of desperateness about getting it met.

There was a big hole there that just wasn't getting filled. You felt needy, and that wasn't a good feeling, so you began to confuse having needs with neediness. How could you find words for something you weren't even supposed to have? How could you even begin to define your needs? And if you didn't have words for them, how could you ask for what you needed? You probably never learned how. "I don't remember anyone ever hugging me when I was a little girl," one woman recalls. "Sometimes I really want a hug from my boyfriend, but I don't know how to ask."

What do I want? What do I need?

So if you're one of the people who tends to say "I don't know" if someone asks you what you might need, what can you do about it? It's true that sometimes it is hard to be specific. You may only have a vague idea of what will make you feel better -- perhaps some kind of psychological chicken soup. But the more undefined the hole is, the harder it is to fill. It's pretty hard to let someone else in on your needs if you don't know them yourself. How could you know when the need is filled if you don't know what you're filling?

 "When you know what you want, 
    you'll know when you've found it." 
                -- Steve Bhaerman and Don McMillan

I give my clients the following questions to ask themselves each day upon awakening. For many, this is very difficult at first:

• "What would make me feel good today?"
• "What do I want? What do I need?"
• "From whom?" (Yourself? Someone else?)
• "In what way? What form would it take?"

You might also ask yourself how you would know your want or need is met. Defining these needs, putting words to them, may be a brand new experience for you because no one gave you permission to do it before. Don't be surprised if you struggle with it at first. Try to have patience and keep practicing. Doing this exercise regularly could change your perspective on life. Practice checking in with yourself throughout the day about how you feel and what would make you feel better. You will develop a more defined sense of yourself -- and new respect for both yourself and your needs.

Now that you are beginning to recognize your own wants and needs, how do you go about communicating them to another person? Here are some possible ways to phrase your request:

• Sometimes I find myself hinting around about something I want or need from you. I'd like to just tell you directly I need for you to _____________

• I have a request to make of you. It's important to me that you ____________  

Hearing yourself speak your needs out loud works wonders. Be aware that it's often much easier to say what you don't want from someone than what you do want. Negatives always seem to be on the tips of our tongues, don't they? For example, it's easier to say, "I don't want you to keep reading the paper when I'm talking about a problem." Instead, emphasize what you do want: "I would really like to make eye contact with you when we talk. Could you please put the paper down while we're speaking?"

You can practice doing this by standing in front of a mirror, making eye contact with yourself, and saying the words out loud. Start out with small, inconsequential requests; they can be real or hypothetical. Just listen to the sound of those words coming out of your mouth. You can practice with a therapist. If you can corral a friend or partner for a practice session it's even better. By practicing with someone else, you get the added bonus of hearing a "yes" or "no". You can take turns, too. Have the other person ask, and you can practice accepting or declining.

How many times have you cringed when somebody said to you, "Go ahead and take a chance. What have you got to lose?" And you say to yourself, "Take a chance on what? Possible rejection? Embarrassing myself? Feeling stupid for asking at a bad time?" All those old fears start bubbling up, don't they?

So what to do about it? To tell the truth, learning to ask for what I want or need has been a bumpy ride for me. I've plugged away for years on this challenge gaining ground to be sure, but all too slowly. I must have been ready to turn the proverbial corner the day I heard motivational speaker and author Patricia Fripp point out, "The answer will always be 'no' if you don't ask." Wow. I got it. And what a difference that motto has made to me. Asking for something takes on a whole new coloration now. I made a choice to no longer set up a situation where the answer would always be 'no'. I could see I was cutting off all my options by not asking. Now it's as if an internal dialogue takes place, and the feisty part of myself counters with, "I'll show you that I won't take 'no' for an answer without asking first."

"The answer will always be no
  if you don't ask." 
                           -- Patricia Fripp

Getting What You Need

Identifying needs and asking for what you need are only part of the picture. What if your attempts at asking are successful and someone actually offers you warm, loving, comforting gestures -- can you accept them? Can you take them in? Can you trust they are real? Or do you tell yourself that in spite of getting up your courage and asking for what you want or need, that if the truth be known, you "don't deserve it" or "they must have an ulterior motive" or "they'll only take it away again".

Suppose however, you could let yourself just say, "Thank you." I'm talking about the same "thank you" I suggested earlier in the book when someone gives you a compliment. You may find with a little practice at accepting yourself, you can choose to take in compliments and caring gestures. The key is letting yourself make that choice.

This article excerpted from: 

"Don't Take It Personally - The Art of Dealing with Rejection" by Elayne Savage, Ph.D.
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About The Author

Elayne Savage holds a Ph.D. in family psychology and draws on 25 years of clinical experience in her work with individuals, couples, and families in her private practice in Berkeley, California. A frequent media guest, she lectures at several colleges and conducts seminars in the San Francisco Bay area. This article was excerpted with permission from her book Don't Take It Personally, published by New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, CA 94609. www.newharbinger.com

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