Can You Keep Love Alive
Amid Life's Routines?

by Hal Stone, Ph.D.
& Sidra L. Stone, Ph.D.

There are many challenges to relationship; some of them come from outside of us and some come from within. We are going to show you the top ten challenges so that you can recognize them and do something about them. Meeting these challenges takes commitment, time, and effort. But a good relationship is well worth this effort and, we might point out, a great deal of this effort can be fun.

There is one very simple principle to keep in mind. The basic requirement for the care and feeding of a relationship is this: Partners must make the linkage -- or connection -- between them a priority in their lives. If they do so, the relationship will flourish. Anything that disrupts this linkage will disrupt their relationship.

Even the most devoted of partners will have interests other than their relationship and they will form attachments and linkages elsewhere. This is an important part of life. However, if your primary linkage in life shifts away from your partner and remains elsewhere, it is likely to prove fatal to your relationship.

There is a great deal of competition for our attention. All of us have a great many distractions in our lives and we do not have to go far to find something that will divert our attention from our partners. We will describe the ten major distractions that we have seen over the years.

CHALLENGE 1: TELEVISION

Most homes have a television set. Actually, many homes have more than one so that each family member has a set all to himself or herself. This is a very compelling distraction. Television sets and television programs are designed to attract us and keep our attention. That is their goal. The entire industry is based upon linking us irrevocably to the TV set. They seduce us with the weekly shows, the news, the stock market, our favorite ball team, the Olympics, the latest scandal, our favorite soap opera, that special program we cannot miss. Others among us are seduced by the sheer power inherent in the remote control. We are in charge! We can do or watch whatever we like, whenever we like. We can change channels to our heart's content without anybody scolding us. We are not forced to finish anything.

In addition to this seductive quality of television, there is its lack of confrontation and complication. It essentially complements your every mood and gives you whatever you want, whenever you want it. After all, has your TV ever made demands on you? Has it ever been disappointed in you? Has it ever criticized you? Has it made you feel vulnerable? Does it pressure you to finish anything? Does it frighten you or make you feel insecure? Do its feelings get hurt? Does it ever disagree with you? In short, there is no way that a TV set makes you as uncomfortable as your partner can!

Is it any wonder that we frequently find partners spending a great deal more time linked energetically to the TV than to one another?

Think about it! Are you more attached to your TV than to your partner? Which would you rather do without?

If you would rather do without your partner, it seems safe to say that something is missing in your relationship. We find that one of the first things to disappear in a relationship is time together. Both partners get so busy that they forget each other. Life today is difficult and demanding. People are usually so overworked, overstressed, or exhausted that when they do have a moment, they drop into a comfortable chair and watch TV. It takes real effort to stay on your feet and do something different.

The TV is very seductive and the relaxation and entertainment it provides can be essential and restorative, but linkage is linkage and our relationships need adequate energetic linkage in order to be healthy and thrive. You might even try for linkage while you're watching TV together. How about making physical contact with one another as you watch? Perhaps you could curl up together in a big comfortable chair or on a couch.

The most important challenge is to find time to really be together in energetic linkage, however you do it. Be creative. How about making plans for doing something together away from the TV? For instance, going to a movie is a different experience from watching the same movie on TV. It's a date, it's going out together, and it means getting out of the house. There is always some way to be together even if you have a limited amount of time and money. Take a walk, go to a park, run errands together, go to the supermarket at an odd hour when it's empty and you're not too rushed, take three minutes to watch the sunset. And whenever possible, take some time to sit together just to be quiet, or to talk over the day's happenings.

CHALLENGE 2: WORK

Our work is very important. It gives us power and money and keeps us safe in the world. It gives us the satisfaction of feeling that we are making a contribution, and may even give our lives a sense of meaning and purpose. It helps us to define ourselves. Hopefully, if we give it enough attention, our work will always be there to support us and we do not have to worry about our work abandoning or divorcing us. Most important, as long as we have our work, we do not have to think very much about our vulnerability. Anything that helps us to deal with our vulnerability, without us having to face it directly, is extremely attractive.

Is it any wonder that many of us develop a primary linkage to our work and relegate our relationship to second place? When we feel vulnerable deep down inside and we do not want to know about it, going to work can make us feel better. At work, we make a difference. We are needed. We are wanted. Here we have mastery, or at least we can work toward mastery. This is extremely reassuring. Life feels safe and structured and our priorities are set for us. We know what is expected and we are able to do the right thing. Add to all this the fact that we are earning money and contributing to the financial security of both our inner and outer children, and you have a total win-win situation.

Unfortunately, the more our linkage is to work, the less energy there is left for relationship. Since the lifeblood of any relationship is linkage, this is not good for the relationship! The tendency to link to work rather than to one's partner is a major challenge to relationship.

There are many times in life when being linked to work looks like a natural and necessary move. This is particularly true when there are financial pressures, either real or imagined. One or both partners will deal with this underlying vulnerability in the most seemingly sensible fashion by working harder and earning more money. This is not a problem if the connection between the partners stays strong and intimate. Usually, however, at times like these the truly strong connection switches to work and the partners gradually and unobtrusively drift apart until they are almost like strangers to one another.

To deal with this challenge, see what you can do about putting a limit on the amount of time you spend at work or thinking about work. Set boundaries. Try to set realistic time limits that you can meet; for instance, no work or work-related activity between 8:30 P.M. and 7:00 A.M. This will probably be extremely difficult to do at first. To help you do this, keep a notepad with you so that when you have a work-related thought during your off-hours, you can write it down and not think about it until the next work session. For instance, you remember that you should send an E-mail to double-check on yesterday's order. Write it down on your notepad and put it away until tomorrow. Otherwise you will probably spend a great deal of time (1) trying not to think this thought, and (2) fearing that you will forget to send the E-mail.

CHALLENGE 3: OTHER RELATIONSHIPS

There was a period in the late 1960s and early 1970s when people realized that they could not expect a single romantic or sexual relationship to meet all their needs. This was a reaction against earlier over-idealized expectations of marriages "made in heaven" and dreams of "happily ever after" when all that was needed was one Cinderella and one Prince Charming. It was a time of cultural revolution during which there was a good deal of experimentation with extramarital relationships and deep extramarital friendships.

Quite often this worked beautifully for a while. Each partner felt more alive and fulfilled. They brought back new energy to the primary relationship and the linkage between the partners intensified.

But what we noticed during those years was that, sooner or later, the linkage between the partners began to dissipate as the linkage to outsiders increased in intensity. Most of the time the primary linkage finally shifted from the partner to someone else.

As normal, ordinary human beings, we can expect to feel attractions to people other than our partners. This is totally natural. It just means that we are alive and that our hormones are functioning properly. There is a great deal to be learned from these attractions if we do not panic about them or feel too guilty.

There was definitely a kernel of truth in the thinking of the sixties and seventies. One person does not hold everything; therefore one relationship cannot hold everything. We have our primary selves and we have our disowned selves. In our relationships there are selves that are acceptable or primary and others that both partners disown.

Our disowned selves, and the disowned selves of our partners, are the selves that we find fascinating in others. These are the selves that exert the fatal attractions that cause us to drop the linkage to our partners and develop a primary linkage elsewhere. This linkage does not have to become sexual in order to challenge the relationship. It just needs to be primary.

What can be done to reestablish the linkage within the partnership? If you follow our thinking, look for the disowned selves that are operating. What is it that is irresistible about this person who is not your partner? Where does this person carry either your disowned self or that of your partner? You can actually use this attraction as a teacher, and either you or your partner can claim the disowned self so that this irresistible attraction becomes more resistible and your primary linkage returns to the relationship. What does this look like? Perhaps you and your partner have become rather complacent and predictable. Your routine is safe and comfortable because each of you has disowned your spontaneity and wildness. We might expect that someone who is more spontaneous or unpredictable would be very attractive to one or both of you. If you take this attraction as a sign that you need a bit of fresh air and that your lives need a bit of change, you may be able to incorporate this change into your relationship rather than changing relationships.

CHALLENGE 4: FRIENDS

It is extremely important to have friends and not to depend solely upon your partner to fill all your interpersonal needs. However, it is possible for our friendships to divert our primary linkage to someone other than our partner.

In the past, this has been particularly true of women. Their friendships have been deeper and more intimate than their marriages. They felt that they could say anything to their friends, but that they had to be cautious about what they said to their husbands. When they needed comfort they spoke with their friends not with their husbands. When they were unhappy about something that their husbands said or did, they did not speak to their husbands about it, but aired their concerns with their friends instead. Rather than saying to their partners, "I did not like it when you..." they called their friends and discussed the matter with them. This shifts the primary linkage from the husband to the friend.

There is another way in which the primary linkage moves away from the relationship and to the friendship. This is a particular problem when one partner is an overly responsible person who gets very involved with the needs and problems of friends. There is a point where the balance between the friend and partner is shifted and the relationship loses. The energy is withdrawn from the partner and goes to the needy friend.

The question to ask yourself here is, Who is my best friend? In general, when you have something really important on your mind would you rather talk to your partner or your friends? For a truly intimate relationship, the answer will be "my partner". There is a saying: "It's wonderful to be married to your best friend." When the primary linkage is in the relationship, that is just the way we feel; our partners are our best friends.

Continued on the next page:
* Challenge 5: Children;
* Challenge 6: Doing rather than Being
* Challenge 7: Computers - the new Mystical Lover
* Challenge 8: Alcohol & Drugs
* Challenge 9: Becoming a Know-It-All
* Challenge 10: The "Perfect" Relationship;
* Meeting the Challenges.

This article was excerpted from the book Partnering: A New Kind of Relationship, ©2000 by Hal & Sidra Stone. Reprinted with permission of the publisher, New World Library, www.nwl.com.

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About The Authors

Hal Stone, Ph.D., and Sidra Stone, Ph.D., are the creators of Voice Dialogue and the authors of (among others) the trailblazing books Embracing Our Selves: The Voice Dialogue Manual, Embracing Each Other: Relationship As Teacher, Healer & Guide, and Embracing Your Inner Critic : Turning Self-Criticism into a Creative Asset. Their books have been translated into many languages. Hal and Sidra are both licensed clinical psychologists with many years of professional experience as psychotherapists. They have led workshops in Australia, Canada, England, Holland, France, Germany, Norway, Israel, Hungary, Mexico, and Switzerland. You can visit their website at http://www.delos-inc.com

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