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Can
You Keep Love Alive
Amid Life's Routines?
by
Hal Stone, Ph.D.
& Sidra L. Stone, Ph.D.
CHALLENGE
5: CHILDREN
It
is common for children to replace the partner
as our primary linkage. They are a marvelous
gift but, just because they are so fascinating
and delicious, they are also an almost
irresistible distraction from the primary
relationship. For many of us, it is the
easiest thing in the world to shift our
primary linkage from our partners to our
children.
Basically,
when a baby is born, the mother must bond to
the new infant so that it will flourish. This
usually means that, at least for a while, she
will shift her primary linkage from the
relationship to the child. These days with the
increasing involvement of fathers in child
rearing, the father is likely to shift his
primary linkage to the child as well, for the
same reason the mothers have done so in the
past. It feels good.
It
is absolutely necessary for both parents to
realize how important it is for themselves,
their relationship, and the well-being of
their children, to stay connected to one
another. This means that they will do whatever
is necessary to maintain their own linkage.
When
the linkage between partners is broken because
one partner shifts the primary linkage to the
child, the other partner is left hanging out
alone, like an atom with an unpaired electron,
commonly known as a free radical. This
"free radical" will look for someone
or something else to bond to. Then any of
these other "challenges" we have
been discussing may become the object of the
primary linkage.
Sometimes
the primary connection remains within the
family but instead of being between the
parents, it shifts to the children. Each
partner links to a different child. The
mother's primary connection may be to her son
and the father's to his daughter. One parent
may connect to the most successful child while
the other parent's primary connection is to
the most needy child. If there is a single
child, it sometimes happens that both parents'
primary linkage is to the same child.
We've
observed that something similar to this can
happen with pets. The primary connection
remains in the household but it shifts from
between the partners to the pet. There are
even some people whose primary linkage has
always been with their pets rather than with
their partners. You can see them pouring all
their loving, nurturing, personal energy into
their pets -- petting them, kissing them,
talking to them in endearing tones -- while
the relationship with the partner is less
physical, more cut off, more impersonal, and
more businesslike. Again, it's not a question
of whether or not to love your pets, it's just
a question of who has your primary linkage.
If
you have children, ask yourself these
questions: Is your primary linkage to your
partner or to your children? What about your
partner's primary connection, is it to you or
to a child? When did you and your partner last
take time to be alone and to reconnect in
intimate ways that did not include your
children?
CHALLENGE
6: DOING OR BEING
Most
people have within them a pusher that pushes
them to do more and more. They must learn
more, accomplish more, earn more, be better,
be smarter, expand, succeed, be the best. For
our pushers, standing still is unacceptable.
We must never waste a moment, we must always
be doing something. When we reach one goal,
our pusher sets another. There is no rest,
just constant doing. Unfortunately, this
constant action makes linkage impossible.
You
have to stop moving in order to connect to
another human being. This is not encouraged in
our culture. We are not given permission to
slow down long enough to connect with one
another and to nourish our relationships. As a
matter of fact, we are encouraged to move
faster and faster. We're like the Red Queen
from Alice in Wonderland, running as fast as
we can to stay in the same place.
Now
there is a new challenge to relationship. We
have a New Age pusher, who, in addition to
everything else, is pushing us toward growth,
consciousness, greater spirituality, and, for
the most ambitious of us, enlightenment. This
New Age pusher will stop at nothing in its
quest for growth. It has us learning about
ourselves, working with our process, paying
attention to our dreams, doing our spiritual
practices, and following a myriad of new
rules. It thinks nothing of breaking the
connection to our partners and taking us away
from them for months at a time.
Again,
it is a matter of linkage. If the relationship
connection remains primary, the partners will
be able to handle the demands of this New Age
pusher. However, if the primary linkage moves
elsewhere, we are no longer linked to our
partners and the relationship is severely
challenged. When this happens, there is a
chance that the relationship will not survive
as our partners feel abandoned by the loss of
connection and look for their linkage
elsewhere.
CHALLENGE
7: COMPUTERS
Computers
are the new mystical lover. There are many
among us who cannot resist the glow of the
computer screen or the lure of the Internet.
There is so much to do, to see, and to learn.
There is so much to explore. There is an
endless opportunity for play. You plan to take
a moment to check your E-mail or to reconcile
your bank account, and five hours later you
drag yourself to bed, exhausted but happy,
hardly remembering your partner's name.
We
have come to think of the computer as the new
mystical lover, a seductive creature who,
always awake and available, sings a siren song
at all hours of the day and night.
Again,
this is a question of linkage. No matter what
you are working at, it's good-bye to your
partner as your primary linkage shifts to the
computer. Once when we were speaking about
this as having an almost addictive quality, a
computer expert told us he had heard that when
people work on computers their brains move
into a very satisfying alpha rhythm that is
literally addictive. We do not know whether or
not this is true, but it certainly seems that
way.
There
are many levels to this new fatal attraction.
Some people have an intermittent linkage
problem that does not constantly detract from
their relationship. When they are working on
their computers, that is their primary linkage
but they are capable of returning and
connecting to their partners. There are
others, however, for whom the connection to
the computer, and to the things that they
access through their computer, is truly the
primary linkage in their lives.
To
check this out, ask yourself where you have
more fun, with your computer or with your
partner.
CHALLENGE
8: ALCOHOL AND DRUGS
Partners
often use drugs or alcohol to relax with one
another or to enhance and intensify their
relationship, particularly its sexual aspects.
This may work very well if these substances
are used in moderation, but this, too, can
present a challenge. There is a point during
intoxication beyond which the intimate
connection between the partners is lost and
each one moves into his or her own private
world. When this happens, the other partner is
abandoned.
If
drug or alcohol usage moves into the realm of
an addiction, the relationship will suffer. In
addition to whatever practical problems this
presents in terms of overall functioning in
the world, addictions break the connection
between partners. The addict's primary linkage
is to the substance, not to the partner.
Not
only do we see a loss of connection between
the partners, but there is an additional
consequence of excessive drug or alcohol
usage. The user loses boundaries (and
judgment) and often links energetically with
others in an inappropriate way, leaving the
partner feeling even more alone and abandoned.
Pay
attention to the quality of the connection
between your partner and yourself when you
have a few drinks. Do you tend to lose one
another? You may need your partner to help you
to figure this out. Our partners are often
more sensitive to these changes than we are.
Because of this, your partner may be able to
tell you about a loss of connection that is
not noticeable to you.
CHALLENGE
9: BEING A KNOW-IT-ALL
Unfortunately,
there can be a downside to this
self-exploration and psychological work. It is
entirely possible for us to lose our
vulnerability as we gain knowledge and to
eventually become a psychological know-it-all.
As we accumulate information about our
relationships, our partners, and ourselves, we
move very naturally and smoothly into the role
of the expert or advisor. And just as smoothly
and naturally, we lose our linkage to our
partners.
This
means that we are no longer equals. We are no
longer partners in a relationship where both
people feel a bit vulnerable and both people
are trying to find the answers. There is an
expert and a novice. This is a foolproof way
to break an intimate connection.
These
experts simply cannot make a connection to
others. That is not what they do. Instead,
they instruct others. It does not matter one
bit that their information may be brilliantly
insightful and precisely on target. Accuracy
is totally irrelevant! The energetic linkage
is lost and so is the intimacy. The
relationship withers from lack of connection.
This is truly ironic because the harder that
this psychological know-it-all works at fixing
a relationship, the worse things get.
The
best way to figure out whether this has
happened to you is to look at the reactions of
the people around you, particularly the
reaction of your partner. Do people's eyes
glaze over when you begin to share your
insights with them? Do they become defensive,
argumentative, or rebellious? If so, you have
probably -- unwittingly -- become a
psychological expert who approaches others
with a great deal of information, but without
any real connection.
CHALLENGE
10: MAINTAINING A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP
Sometimes
we work too hard to keep everything in our
relationships perfect. We try to see
eye-to-eye with our partners on all matters,
we are impeccably empathic and understanding
of one another, there are no problems,
everything is wonderful, we are always linked
energetically, we are indeed blessed, and we
do everything together all the time. We put
all of our energies into keeping the
partnership trouble free and do our best to
ignore any feelings of discomfort. The rule we
hold in our minds is something like "in a
really good relationship, everything runs
smoothly, both partners always agree with each
other, and they never separate but always do
everything together". Unfortunately, when
we try to keep the relationship perfect in
this way, we actually break the connection
between our partners and ourselves because
anything that does not work smoothly is
ignored and too much gets left out.
Since
relationships naturally ebb and flow and life
is not always wonderful, perfection is not
exactly an attainable objective. As a matter
of fact, if this goal is attained and there is
never any friction, we might suspect that
something is being overlooked. This does not
mean that relationships are always a mass of
difficulties. What it does mean is (1) people
are different and have different needs, (2)
two partners invariably experience some areas
of disconnection, disagreement, or
misunderstanding, and (3) there is always a
need for some separation as well as a need for
togetherness.
This
is why it is so important to be able to
include in the partnering relationship some
space for the consideration of what is not
working, either in the relationship or in your
life. If you were running a business and you
never looked at what did not work, you might
find yourself in deep trouble. For instance,
you run a freight service. Everybody knows
that you only like good news, so no one tells
you that there is a small knocking sound in
the refrigerated truck that does your
long-distance runs. If you knew about it, you
could have the problem fixed. But you do not
find out about it because nobody wants to
bring you the bad news and they tell
themselves that since it is only a small
knocking sound, it is probably not very
important. So the truck breaks down in the
middle of the desert with a full load of
perishable lettuce.
It
is the "small knocking sounds" that
tell us what could be improved upon, what
could grow into a problem, or what needs
fixing. We all need time -- and permission --
to look at what is not working in our lives
and in the relationship. In the partnering
model of relationship, it is accepted that
each partner can, and will, bring to the
conference table "reports" of what
is not currently working. This is not a gripe
session any more than a business meeting to
review the workings of a business is a gripe
session.
What
might you bring to the table? You would bring
your dissatisfactions with your partner or
your life. This might include talking about
your attractions to others, attractions that
pull you away from the relationship. You might
include your fantasies, such as opening a new
business, or having another baby, or running
away to Fiji. You might talk of your fears
about money, work, health, or even about the
relationship. You might talk about your
discomfort with always being together and
express your need for time alone, or for a
space in the house that is just yours. All
these issues keep us from becoming too
complacent or stuck in old patterns that no
longer suit us; they all open doors into new
thoughts and new possibilities.
We
feel that it is important to have time set
aside to look at these matters. It is not
necessary to be formal about this -- after all
you are not running a business -- but it is
important to keep current. Keeping current
with dissatisfactions or negative feelings (1)
helps us to keep the connection with our
partners alive, even if the connection is not
pleasant at that very moment, (2) prevents a
backlog of complaints from building up, and
(3) helps us to deal with matters creatively
and quickly. We fix the truck before it breaks
down. That is what partners are for.
Each
partner notices something different and
contributes something unique to the
partnership. You may become irritated when
your partner gets too preoccupied with work
and ignores you. Your partner may become
irritated with you because you did not follow
up on the business opportunity that presented
itself last week. You may be great at noticing
when the car needs repairing and your partner
may be great at noticing when the bank
accounts are getting too low. You can see how
partnering as a model for relationship brings
us the possibilities of using our full human
potential as a powerful team.
MEETING
THE CHALLENGES
The
basic theme in all ten challenges is the
underlying challenge to maintain the
connection in your primary relationship. Most
of the time this connection will be pleasant,
but there are times, when you are dealing with
unpleasant matters, when it will be a bit
uncomfortable.
What
must you do on a day-to-day basis to maintain
the connection to your partner? First, you
must make your relationship --and this
connection -- a priority. All the challenges
mentioned in this chapter have a single common
element. Each of them threatens to replace
your relationship as a priority.
Second,
when you feel uncomfortable with your partner
or the relationship, or when you sense your
connection weakening, don't ignore your
feelings. This is a warning, it is like a fire
alarm going off. You may be tempted to think
that the alarm is faulty and you may wish to
turn if off because you can't bear the sound,
you don't see any smoke, and you're too busy
to go looking for trouble. But pay attention.
There is a gift of disowned energy somewhere
in this discomfort.
The
third, and perhaps the most important,
ingredient in the recipe for a healthy,
intimate, and loving relationship is time. The
best way to meet all the challenges to
relationship is to take time for one another
and for your partnership. You cannot run a
business without giving it proper time and
attention, and you cannot expect to have a
successful relationship without doing
likewise. Take time for meetings, for work,
for play, and for passion. Take time to be
happy with each other and time to be irritated
with each other. Take time to look at what
works and makes you feel just great and time
to listen to the small knocking sounds in your
relationship and your lives that will tell you
what doesn't work. Take time to enjoy today
and time to plan and to dream about tomorrow.
Take time to hang out, just to be and not to
do anything at all.
Most
of all, take time away from the daily
distractions and challenges we've been talking
about to establish and to keep the delicious
energetic linkage between you and your
partner. It's a good idea to make regular
plans to break your daily routine and get
re-acquainted. These breaks can take any form,
so be creative.
If
partners can keep their linkage, they will
keep their relationship. Anything that breaks
this linkage can damage the relationship. No
matter how sensible, worthwhile, or absolutely
necessary the distraction seems to be, it
should be handled with great care and not
allowed to break the essential connection
between partners. It is very easy to ruin even
a good relationship. It is also very easy,
once we know about linkage, to preserve a good
relationship and to make it even better. So go
for the linkage, and good luck!
 This
article was excerpted from the book
Partnering: A New Kind of Relationship, ©2000
by Hal & Sidra Stone. Reprinted with
permission of the publisher, New World
Library, www.nwl.com.
Info/Order this book
About The
Authors
Hal
Stone, Ph.D., and Sidra Stone, Ph.D., are the creators of Voice Dialogue
and the authors of (among others) the trailblazing books Embracing
Our Selves: The Voice Dialogue Manual, Embracing
Each Other: Relationship As Teacher, Healer & Guide,
and Embracing
Your Inner Critic : Turning Self-Criticism into a Creative Asset.
Their books have been translated into many languages. Hal and Sidra are
both licensed clinical psychologists with many years of professional
experience as psychotherapists. They have led workshops in Australia,
Canada, England, Holland, France, Germany, Norway, Israel, Hungary,
Mexico, and Switzerland. You can visit their website at http://www.delos-inc.com.
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