Living
our Process in Human Relationships
by
Anne Wilson Schaef
When
we live our process, we are not self-centered,
and we are not defined by others. Others may
not always like our respecting our process,
and they will like it when we are respecting
theirs.
I
ran into a friend I hadn't seen for a long
time and she looked marvelous. The last time
I'd seen her she was depressed and angry and
complaining about her husband and seemed to
spend a lot of time in this state. I remarked
on how well she looked, and said that I was
pleased to see her so happy.
"Oh,
I've just spent two weeks in a cottage all
by myself at the beach. It was absolutely
marvelous," she exclaimed.
Knowing
that she and her husband had plenty of money,
and seeing the effect that being at the beach
had on her, I said,
"Why
don't you get a cottage at the beach so you
could go there whenever you want?"
"That's
out of the question," she said.
"My husband hates the beach. He likes
the mountains. We have a place in the
mountains. I am a married woman and one has
to make compromises," she growls,
returning to her angry , depressed state.
It's
difficult to believe that this is what the
Creator asks of us in this intimacy of
relationships.
Too
often, we have structured our relationships so
they cannot meet the needs of those within
them. Often, typical relationships that could
be meaningful and growth-producing are busy
with seven simultaneous relationships.
THE
SEVEN RELATIONSHIPS
1&2.
Each person has a relationship with their
spirituality -- their self.
These
two relationships are essential primary
relationships and are necessary for any
other relationships to occur.
3&4.
These two relationships are each person's
fantasy relationship with the other.
In
healthy relationships these relationships
can be fun and playful and are usually
shared: "I see you as my knight in
shining armor." "You are poetry in
motion." These fantasy relationships
can enrich relationships when both
individuals know that they are clearly
fantasies and not real or important. It's
only when one or both partners keep these
fantasy relationships secret and/or project
them onto the other that the relationship is
in trouble. Honesty is critical. If the
relationship cannot tolerate honesty, it's
in trouble.
5&6.
These are the mask relationships.
Mask
relationships are made up of my mask
relating to your mask and are the hallmarks
of dysfunctional relationships. Most
relationships have some aspect of masked
selves to them. Relationships, and hopefully
intimacy and reality, can melt the masks
fairly quickly and the relationships evolve.
There are some marriages and other
relationships that are built entirely on
masks relationships, and one feels a
progressive deadness in those relationships.
7.
This is the real relationship that
exists.
This
relationship may never be present in some
lives, and it is always a blessing when it
is. This relationship is the one that
mirrors, reflects, and augments our primary
relationship with our living process. When
experiences with another human being, this
relationship is very precious. This
relationship is a process, not a
"thing."
 This
article is excerpted from Living
in Process, © 1999 by Anne Wilson
Schaef. Excerpted with permission of
Wellspring/ Ballantine, a division of Random
House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of
this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted
without permission in writing from the
publisher.
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