 From
Romance
to Relationship
by
Celeste B. Longacre
Fairy
tales are wonderful stories for young children. They
give us a sense of place and a great deal of hopefulness
for the future. Of course, someday my Prince (or
Princess) will come and we will live happily ever
after... Yet, why does the story always end when the two
finally meet? What does happily ever after mean?
Contrary
to popular belief and, perhaps, our own fantasy life,
good relationships don't just "happen". They
take thoughtfulness, time, love, and work. Progressing
through recognizable stages, all relationships
experience crises and demand at least some flexibility
on our parts. A willingness to stay together through the
storms is the only way to get to the peacefulness on the
other side. Yet (in my opinion) it is all very much
worth it. A good relationship can not only bring us much
joy and happiness, but it can also be one of the most
freeing experiences of life. With that in mind, let's
examine the process.
The
Stages of Relationship
The
first stage of a relationship is the attraction/
honeymoon phase (Oh, my goodness, we're JUST alike!).
You meet. You think you like one another. You've been
lonely for so long and now, finally(?), here's someone
who understands you. You fall in love. Now, you can't
get enough of each other.
The
second stage begins when you get to know each other well
enough to become aware of the FATAL FLAW (or flaws).
THIS wasn't what I bargained for! Isn't there some
mistake? Hopefully, you haven't totally gotten past
phase one yet, so there's still some interest in hanging
out together and seeing what happens. EVERY RELATIONSHIP
GOES THROUGH THIS STAGE. As none of us is perfect (who
would want to have to be?) and we all bring our past
histories into new relationships, no two people
automatically fit together like hands and gloves. Even
your soul mate (and I believe in them) won't exactly
"match". Think about it. If we live thousands
of lifetimes (as I truly feel we do) and only sometimes
connect with our soul mates, then he or she has a
completely different "set" of past experiences
to color where he or she is at. That's just how it is.
The
third stage of a relationship involves sorting it
through. What, exactly, can you learn to live with and
what needs to be addressed? The fact that the toothpaste
tube gets squeezed from the top or the toilet paper
comes off the roll from the bottom is, in the grand
manner of things, not that big of a deal. If, however,
one of you wants children and the other doesn't, that
needs to be discussed. Or, if you would like to live in
Hawaii and he or she prefers England, you need to talk.
The next
stage of a relationship requires working it through. If
you get resentful that you're the only one who squeezes
the toothpaste from the bottom, stop. Who really cares
if there's a little pile of dirty socks at the end of
the bed? A smoker living with a nonsmoker could be asked
to limit this activity to one or two rooms. A sense of
humor can make all the difference in the world during
this phase. Plan on doing some give and take here; and I
emphasize BOTH -- not just give and not just take. And,
remember, it takes time. Communicate. Listen. Bargain.
And, perhaps most important of all, THINK. In my
opinion, one of the commonest mistakes made in
relationships is believing that love is enough. While
love is absolutely necessary, don't forget to use your
head! Human nature may be strange, but it is absolutely
predictable. Think it through.
The
final stage of a relationship is a great and abiding
friendship with ease. By this time, you know each other
well enough (probably better than you even wanted!) to
know what to expect. You have a history together. You've
survived a few crises. You've quite literally learned to
live with one another. This is the payoff phase and it
can really be quite wonderful. But this stage doesn't
come after a few short weeks or even a few months. It
generally takes years to get here. Hang in there because
it is well worth it.
Rules
For A Great Relationship
All
relationships are different. They come in as many shapes
and sizes as the bountiful palette of humans. However,
the following are a few guidelines designed to assist
you in the building of a good, long lasting
relationship.
1. Be
fair. Who wants to live with someone who isn't?
2. Be
honest, but not brutally so. There's a fine line between
what you could say and what you truly need to say. Be
aware of where it is and don't cross it.
3. Keep
it even. Good relationships happen between equals;
whatever that means to you. It is helpful to have
similar backgrounds, values, and goals, but more
necessary to keep a balance between you. If you feel you
are doing more than your fair share, stop. Allowing your
relationship to lean or list to one side is the fastest
way to make it fall.
4. Fight
fair. It's healthy to fight. It clears the air and keeps
resentments from building. However, keeping the fight to
the matter at hand is crucial. Never, ever, make
proclamations such as "You're just like your
mother", etc. Remember, too, that although most of
what we are shown in this world is us versus them, a
relationship is built on a partnership model.
5.
Maintain a strong sense of self and know who you are. As
far as I'm concerned, we come to this planet to learn
individuality and free will (my husband, Bob, calls it
Freewill 101). We do, indeed, create our own realities.
Because our major lesson in life is selfhood,
relationships that don't honor this fact do not last. We
cannot complete ourselves in another; it simply isn't
allowed. It is also important to realize that human
beings have very addictive personalities. While some
folks may think that they want to have happy lives and
good relationships, they are actually much too addicted
to the drama of being able to tell sad stories.
6. Know
and nourish your own boundaries. Fairy tales and soap
opera romances would have us believe that the purpose of
a healthy match is to immerse ourselves in one another.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Once we lose
our boundaries in a relationship, it is only a matter of
time before it dies. Shakespeare spoke of this in Romeo
and Juliet. Again, because this, too, is a violation of
individuality, it simply isn't allowed to continue.
7. Have
fun. Relationships shouldn't be all work, but sometimes
learning how to have fun is actually quite a challenge.
Learning how to laugh at ourselves can speed up this
process greatly. Laughter can also be very disarming and
a touch of humor is the fastest way to break tensions.
If you aren't blessed with a good sense of humor
already, don't despair. It can be learned.
8.
Listen and communicate. Words. What do they mean? The
same words actually mean different things to different
people. Because we all bring our pasts with us and no
two individuals come from exactly the same place, words
often contain unintended hooks and barbs. I have a
friend who used to routinely answer his wife's inquiries
with "I don't care." What he meant, of course,
was, "Well, if that's something you want to do, go
ahead." One day, she collapsed in tears and said,
"How can you keep saying that you don't care?"
He never said it again. Words are also the means by
which we continually create the stories of our lives.
Our thoughts are constantly imprinting on our own
subconscious "computers" and what we think and
believe to be true about ourselves happens. Don't
underestimate your own very real power.
9. Be
forgiving. Everyone makes mistakes. I suspect that every
relationship has moments when any self-respecting man or
woman should pack his or her bags and move out. The
bottom line is, do you really want to? Because if you
don't, you could be complicating things with a show of
temper. Then, again, sometimes statements are necessary.
Think it through but be ready with forgiveness when the
time comes for reconciliation.
10.
Nourish the love. Be affectionate. Love is the glue that
keeps people together in relationships. After all, it's
hard enough living with somebody that you DO love.
Lovers should also be friends, but friends who are not
lovers are just playing house.
11.
Avoid ultimatums. Ultimatums are very dramatic and can
easily grab attention. They can also get you into big
trouble fast.
12.
Cultivate activities done together and separately.
Relationships need common ground, but they also need
spaces. Keeping some of your own interests and friends
gives you something to talk about when you get back
together.
13.
Don't share absolutely everything. Do we really need to
know that your last lover was better in bed or a bigger
wage earner? I think not.
14. Last
but not least: If you MUST throw something, make sure
it's soft because it's probably coming back!
The
Laws of Manifestation
Okay,
all this is well and good, but what if you don't happen
to have a Mr. or Ms. Right in the picture at the moment?
Never fear! There are things to do...
One of
the trickiest bits about relationships is that we can't
learn about our own expectations alone. It takes
practice and being with another person in order to
realize our own innermost thoughts about what he or she
should do or say. I have always been amazed that our
society has -- in the past -- expected people to
"get it right" in their very first marriage
when we really are flying blind. How do we know what
marriage (or living together) is like until we try it?
It's impossible. Therefore, I encourage anyone with a
"failed" relationship to look at it as a
learning experience, a necessary step along the way to
perfection. Instead of being upset with it, use it to
understand where it went wrong or why that type of
person is not the best for you. It's absolutely true
that two incredibly great people can bring out the worst
in each other if they are not a good match.
Knowing
who you, yourself, are is the very first step to seeing
what an equal partner would look like. Then, begin to
picture what EXACTLY you seek in a mate. Be specific.
Think about it. Prioritize; is it more important that
you live in the country or make lots of money? Do you
need the security of stocks and bonds or desire the
freedom of the adventurer? Take your time. Write it
down. What you are doing here is creating a precise
picture of what this person is like. Fill in lots of
details but make sure you know which ones are the most
important to you.
Once you
feel pretty comfortable with this picture, let it go.
Stop thinking about it. In this way, you are sending
your picture out into the universe to go and locate your
ideal honey for you and set up the conditions under
which you can meet. Then, be sure to get out and about.
If you want to meet a man, go to the places where men
hang out; take up downhill skiing or sign up for a
drumming class. If you want to meet a woman, go where
women gather; aerobics classes and art or hobby classes
are some of many activities which seem to attract a good
number of them. Action is necessary because, unlike in
the fairy tales, the knight in shining armor does not
always find his way to your back door.
Remember,
too, that relationship is a dance. It's a flow; back and
forth, around and around. It, like everything else in
life, has its good days and its bad days. When you get
it right, though, there's nothing else that compares. It
fills you both with peace, joy, happiness, security, and
laughter. You get to build a life together instead of
walking your path alone. It takes time, but one of the
only truisms in life is that time passes. Why not use it
wisely?
Being
human isn't easy. There are many pitfalls in the Path;
potential wrong turns, dead ends, and potholes. So, why
are we here, anyway? The best description I've ever
heard is that God/Goddess wants friends. The task may be
formidable, but the rewards are also great. Good luck!
 This
article is excerpted from the book Love
Signs © 2000 by Celeste B. Longacre.
Reprinted with permission of the publisher, Sweet Fern
Publications, New Hampshire, USA.
Info/Order
book from Amazon.
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directly from the author.
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