A New Sexual Paradigm

by Dr. Kenneth R. Stubbs, Ph.D.

Western sexology says that you are a physical body and orgasm is an operational definition that can be measured. You feel pleasure, but we know it is orgasm only if you have some contractions. The New Paradigm is that we are more than the physical body and all of these other systems can have orgasms, too. The physical body can have an orgasm, the light body can have an orgasm, the spirit body can have an orgasm, separately, or in conjunction with each other and other people.

I want to convey three things in the New Paradigm. First, we are more than the physical body. This is totally accepted by people who do meditation, but others do not yet accept it. Second, orgasms are energetic experiences, not simply contractions in the pelvis. Third, spirituality and sexuality are not in opposition, they are mutually enhancing.

In the awareness of the physical body as well as the energetic body, we discover our wholeness. Be present in your body, be aware of the sensations when you are making love, feel it. That is the core, and if we could be open enough, all these other traditions would come to us. Sexuality is beautiful and glorious in itself—this experience with another person or this experience with ourselves. Embracing your sexuality is a way to embellish what you are already doing.

Then, by embracing the paradigm shift, we can learn to unite with each other orgasmically in ways we never before allowed ourselves to realize.

In the Quodoushka tradition (Cherokee Native American), children and even infants are seen as sexual beings all their growing years. It is natural to experience themselves in this way, and to integrate their sexual, sensual, spiritual nature into a wholeness of being. They do not have all these horrendous experiences that most of us have had in discovering ourselves as sexual beings.

As children the first emotional put-down is "no self-pleasuring" (or masturbation) which leads to the inability to experience ourselves intimately. It also keeps us from intimately experiencing others.

That was my deepest imprint—that sex is dirty. If we do not have a good relationship with ourselves from the get-go, we can't have good relationships. The way we try to heal ourselves is through relationships, stepping backward to the Self. When we come of age, society finally says it is OK, but still the parameters are very rigid, and we are supposed to figure it out all at once, without instruction. And we screw it up over and over again! If we are lucky, we reach the point where we realize, "I can't do it with another person until it is OK to touch myself."

When I was writing my first book which was a manual that never was published, I talked about Tantra as sexuality, then I realized afterward that I must state that Tantra is more than sexuality. My Buddhist background taught me about three schools of Buddhism: Hinayana, Mahayana, and Vairayana. Vajrayana is Tantric Buddhism. It is about embracing all of it. When you read the writings of Osho, they are about embracing all of it, especially about sexuality.

It was with my teacher, Rinpoche Tarthang Tulku and Billie Hobart that I learned about meditation. Billie taught more visualization techniques, while Rinpoche Tarthang gave me the foundation of meditation. Because I am kinesthetic rather than visual, I prefer tuning in to my body. The form of meditation that I developed is called massage. When I start massage, I close the door and the everyday world stops. I just go inside and do the massage. It is sensation based, like Tarthang taught, and energy is present. It is also a two person meditation.

For some people, sex is avoidance: for me it was grasping. Or when it came to same gender sex, for me, it was avoiding. I went through a period when I did not have any partners and I was often lonely, longing for sexual partners. Then I came to a point when I intellectually and emotionally shifted to the place where it was OK for me to be sexual with men. It is really OK—I am not drawn to it, but it is really OK.

One day, two weeks after that realization, three different women came to my door, knocked, and we had sex. I had let go of trying to prove that I was heterosexual. Many men are homophobic constantly trying to prove that they are heterosexual. When I really embraced that it was OK to be sexual with men, even though I am not that inclined to be, suddenly women started knocking at my door, literally. I don't mean it in a macho sense, it was just the way it was. So when I embraced the totality of all possibilities of being sexual, suddenly it flowed in. Not because I was grasping, but because I was not resisting. The idea of Tantra being acceptance or embracing of all is such a powerful concept for me. It is a major underlying conceptual principle of my approach to sexuality.

Tantra is a way to cultivate energy and meditate. One learns to utilize sexual energy and transform it. That is why the Tantric sexuality path is so important. It is not just head stuff, Tantra acknowledges the body and the senses. Yet it is not about being a hedonist—its about using the energy in these experiences to develop spiritually.

Recommended book:
The Essential Tantra: A Modern Guide to Sacred Sexuality
by Kenneth R. Stubbs
Info/Order this book

About The Author

Kenneth R. Stubbs, Ph D., left academia and became a certified masseur and a certified sexologist. He has been greatly influenced by Tibetan Buddhism, Taoist philosophy and Native American teachings. The underlying theme in all of his works holds that sensuality and sexuality; rather that being obstacles are an integral part of spiritual liberation. Excerpted with permission from Tantra The Magazine. Ken can reached at: Secret Garden Publishing, 1352 Yukon Way, Ste 20, Novato, CA 94947

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