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Beauty & Poetry of Sex
by Wendy Maltz
"What sex is, we don't
know, but it must be some sort of fire. For it always communicates a sense of
warmth, of glow. And when the glow becomes a pure shine, then we feel the
sense of beauty."
-- D. H.
LAWRENCE
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As a sex therapist, I've made a
profession of understanding and explaining sex. As a young child, I remember
repeatedly harassing my parents with question after question about sex. Their
answers changed over time, becoming more specific and elaborate as I grew more
mature and inquisitive. By the time I was eleven, budding with my own sexual
feelings, curious about true love, and frustrated with technical sounding sperm
and egg explanations, I pressed them for more information about the act
itself.
"The woman lies on her
back with her legs in the air and arms open, and the man lies on top of
her..."
Although my parents continued
talking, I heard only an occasional word after this opening line. I was stunned.
The image that formed in my mind was of dead bugs on the sidewalk -- lying with
their feet in the air, tangled together, and parched by the sun. My first
explicit sexual image was a major disappointment. Why would anyone want to share
an experience like that with someone they love?
For each of us, our concept of
sexual love has been shaped over many years by the sexual images permitted and
promoted in our culture. Today, it's hard not to find images of sex in our
society. Since the dawn of the sexual revolution in the 1960s, we have stripped
away the old, puritanical restrictions that once made sex a taboo subject.
Erotic images are woven so extensively into every aspect of our culture that
they leap out at us when we open a magazine, turn on the television set, settle
back in a movie theater, or pass a billboard on the freeway. It is sad and
ironic that while our sexually obsessed culture feeds us a steady stream of
arousing sexual images, many of us feel starved when it comes to understanding
or sharing sexual love.
Very few of the unabashedly
graphic images we see daily depict adults engaged in what we would describe as
healthy sexual intimacy. Though many of us desire meaningful, intimate
connection with a lover, most of the sexual images we are exposed to condition
us to be aroused to sex without love. Like someone who has eaten only junk food,
we wind up feeling malnourished. No amount of binges on "junk sex" can
satisfy our hunger for real connection. In our enthusiasm to overcome
puritanical constraints, perhaps we overlooked the importance of promoting
certain kinds of sex over others.
Sexual interaction based on
mutual caring and respect is very different from sex in which people are
objectified or exploited. Loving, intimate sex can be far more enjoyable and
satisfying than impersonal sex. But to enjoy these pleasures of sexual love we
need to know more.
Although we are naturally wired
with a strong sexual drive, we are not born knowing all the information we need
to fully understand it. Most of us have questions about sex. But in our culture,
the answers are not always accessible or complete. To explore our potential as
sexual beings, we need to understand not only the mechanics of sex, but also the
interpersonal context for enjoying sexual love.
We need more images that give us models for healthy relating. With exposure to
these images we can learn that healthy intimacy is arousing and intensely
pleasurable. Instead of a cultural diet of "junk sex" that leaves us
titillated, but starved, we need lasting, nourishing ways to satisfy our hunger
for sexual connection.
My quest for understanding
sexual intimacy took a more serious turn when I began treating adult survivors
of sexual abuse. Many of these people suffered from crippling sexual fears and
dangerous sexual compulsions. For them, sex was often unpleasant at best. Their
sexual relations left them feeling emotionally isolated, or out of control.
Healthy sexual intimacy was an oxymoron. They could not conceptualize it, even
when I explained that it was defined by concrete conditions: Consent. Equality.
Respect. Trust. Safety.
About five years ago, my long
quest for understanding sexual love became more focused. I began an ardent
search to find positive sexual images. I wanted healthy alternatives to the
negative images that surround us in our culture, so that I could show those who
have felt confused about or hurt by sex that it can be very different, that it
can even inspire moments of beauty.
This is a message all of us need
to hear, throughout our lives. As a parent, I want my children to have healthy
sexual models to learn from as they grow older. All of our children deserve to
know about the importance of sexual health and the possibilities for joy and
pleasure that sex affords. As an intimate partner, I want to be reminded of the
infinite dimensions my husband and I can explore in heart-connected sex. All of
us who are in long-term relationships need more resources to draw inspiration
from, whether we are just setting out as a young couple or growing older with a
partner.
To begin, I scoured films, video
selections, popular books, and magazines for images that portrayed sex as
mutually enjoyable, socially responsible, and physically safe. I was shocked at
how few sexually explicit examples of healthy sex I could find. The images I
found -- perfume ads, greeting cards, and modern love stories -- were pretty
weak stuff compared to the latest issue of Penthouse magazine. Although there
were some passages in erotica and romance novels that conveyed healthy sex
dynamics, many of the themes in these stories still centered on impersonal,
irresponsible, or secretive sex.
Next, my search took me to the
library. Perhaps the joys of mutually satisfying sexual love had been celebrated
by writers years ago. I began sifting through classic works of literature and
poetry. But these works, by and large, let me down. I found an occasional gem,
but more often I was reminded of the long history of sexual inequality between
men and women from which we are still evolving. Older poems too often lacked the
mutually intimate love that a healthy, mature relationship demands.
Continued
on the next page:
Classic Erotic Poetry;
Poetry speaks a universal language;
Sex: Momentary & Transcendent.
This article was excerpted with
permission from the introduction of the book Passionate
Hearts: The Poetry of Sexual Love, ©1996, compiled and edited by Wendy
Maltz, published by New World Library, Novato, California, USA, http://www.nwlib.com
 This
article is excerpted from:
"Passionate Hearts: The Poetry of
Sexual Love"
by Wendy Maltz.
Info/Order book
About
the Author
 WENDY
MALTZ, M.S.W., a well-known sex therapist and marriage counselor, is the
author of The Sexual
Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse and the
co-author of In
the Garden of Desire: The Intimate World of Women's Sexual Fantasies.
She is co-director, with her husband Larry, of Maltz Counseling
Associates in Eugene, Oregon, USA. Her website is www.healthysex.com
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