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Attitude
& Sexual Health
by
Dr Jenny McCloskey
Are
you saying I shouldn't have sex?
No.
Sex is a normal part of a happy and fulfilled life.
When the situation is right for you, I see no reason
to say 'No'. The reason we have such a high level of
sexual disease today is that many people have sex
when the situation is not right for them: when there
are uncontrolled risks of infection, for example. If
they respected themselves, they wouldn't expose
themselves to risks. They would say 'No', and work
at building safer sexual relationships. The value of
saying 'No' is not in abstinence, it is in choosing
good (and safe) relationships over dangerous
contacts. It is an act of self love.
I
don't like being different from my friends
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Most
people feel like this. We don't like being the odd
one out. Remember though that we are all different.
Each one of us is made differently, looks different,
thinks differently, and has their own feelings.
Sometimes there can be similarities, but we have to
acknowledge that we have a right to be different.
Just because your friends do something one way
doesn't mean that you have to do it that way. Often
it takes someone to do whatever it is a different
way, for the friends to actually feel OK about doing
it differently. If one member of the group is strong
enough to show that difference is OK, the group
attitude can change.
Often
the people in a group who keep doing things the same
old way actually feel that what is happening is
wrong, but they are too frightened of being that
little bit different to do anything about it.
Changing
for the better does not happen quickly and easily.
People are always wary and a little afraid of
change. To understand this just consider our news
media. Every time something new happens it's the
fights, anger, and resistance that are the focus of
attention, ahead of any positive aspects of the
change.
Our
society resists change, and so do most of us. It is
normal to feel afraid and worried about new things.
It can seem too frightening to try new ways when we
don't know what is going to happen. But it is not
healthy if our fear stops us trying to change to
improve ourselves and our lives.
Make
your own decisions
Usually
when people start becoming sexually active they get
into a certain pattern of sexual behavior. That
pattern tends to remain with them for the rest of
their lives. Often they do not choose that pattern,
it is simply the norm of the day for their peer
group, but they go on repeating it year after year,
without thinking about change. Unless we stop and
think about ourselves, and evaluate who we are and
what we want, we don't even consider there could be
other ways of living our lives.
When
you are going to try something new it is often
helpful for you to have talked it over with a good
friend so that you feel stronger about trying.
I
like taking risks
Having
been a motor bike rider, mountaineer, and rock
climber and lover of 'off piste skiing', I have a
good idea of what risk taking is all about. The
thrill lies in facing a risk and overcoming it
through your own skill. Naturally, you take safety
precautions. You wear a helmet on a bike.
Mountaineering, you use a helmet, ice axe, crampons,
and ropes. Most important, you practice your skill
to be sure you can manage the dangers, before you
expose yourself to greater risk. You'll tackle a lot
of smaller mountains before you take on Mt. Everest.
Risk
taking in the sexual arena is not the same thing.
When you jump into bed with someone whose sexual
history you don't know, when you engage in an unsafe
sexual practice, you are entering a lottery. You are
not testing some disease-avoidance skill you have
practiced, you are simply taking a chance, like
driving through a red light with your eyes closed.
You might enjoy the sex, but the risk is more
terrifying than thrilling.
Maybe
you do regard sex as a sport. That's your choice. My
recommendation (to you -- and to everyone who takes
the risk of sexual contact) is to prepare yourself
with the best safety equipment and protection you
can. You wouldn't risk your life on a mountain
without the right equipment and knowledge, you
wouldn't go parachuting without a parachute, so why
risk your life in bed? Arm yourself with knowledge,
take precautions, and learn to say no when your
sexual health is threatened.
I
like drinking alcohol or getting high on drugs
Drugs
of all kinds are popular in our society. People see
them as providing escape, relief, and pleasure.
Unfortunately many drugs, including the legal drug
alcohol, have some less desirable consequences, one
of which can be a reduction in self-caring. Under
the influence, things can happen on the spur of the
moment, because they feel good, without much thought
for the consequences.
If
you enjoy 'getting wasted' this way then at least
prepare yourself in advance either by making sure
you have the right safety equipment or by going with
friends you know you can rely on to keep you out of
trouble.
It
seems unbelievable, but I've talked with many
patients who had one wild night out then woke up to
find they had been to bed with someone who was HIV
positive. Their pain and suffering has far
outweighed their few hours or minutes of pleasure.
Some
people will choose to change their sexual behavior
on moral or religious grounds, but these are not the
only reasons. Simple common sense in reducing your
risk of disease, because you care about yourself, is
enough of a reason.
Self
respect
You've
probably realized that what I've been talking about
is self respect and self love. I'm arguing for a
recognition of the individual importance and worth
of every person, most importantly by themselves.
Too
often we underrate the value of a little more self
discipline and a little more caring. We tend to
accept situations that are not as good as they could
be. I'm asking you to swing your pendulum of self
respect and value more to the positive side. Each
one of us plays a part in creating the society we
live in. If individuals choose to be stronger and
healthier, we will all benefit. We do have a choice.
I
want to change, but how do I go about it?
The
first thing is to be clear about the changes you
want to make. Talk to your friends or a person you
can trust, or see a counselor. All the STD clinics
now have counselors who are able to help you, and
their services are free. When you are clear about
the changes you want, write them down. This helps
your unconscious mind become aware that you are
serious and helps it prepare for change. Re-read the
Bill of Rights to yourself. Practice saying 'No'.
Try a week where you say 'No' to different things at
least once a day. This helps you become more
disciplined and grow stronger inside.
Learn
to enjoy saying 'No' because you are aware that it
is making your life healthier.
Remember
that change often takes a while. When you decide to
do something important, life usually turns up some
whopper of a test, as if to say, 'Do you really mean
it?' Know that you will be tested and decide to go
through with it. When you're on the other side of
the problem you are successful, you have made the
change! You can say, 'Well done self!'
 This
article was excerpted from the book Your
Sexual Health, ©, by Jenny McCloskey.
Reprinted with permission of the publisher,
Halo Books.
For
info or to order this book.
About The
Author
Dr. Jenny McCloskey
completed her medical degree at the University of Melbourne in 1976,
where she shared the Australian Medical Association Prize in Public
Health. As a medical registrar at the Sir Charles Gairdner Hospital in
Western Australia she gained extensive experience in various medical specialties
including hematology and oncology. She has a Diploma of Venereology
(London) and is a elected fellow of the Australasian College of
Venereologists. She travels throughout Western Australia, lecturing and
teaching health professionals, community groups, and aboriginal
communities. She practices in Perth as a Venereologist.
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