Cultivating New Behaviors: You've Got A Problem? So What!

Prob­lems are only as big and as real as we make them. In fact, they only exist if we allow our egos to create them and then we feed them through our incessant attention.

Take a look at the following suggestions for changing how you look at the “imagined problems” in your life. And never doubt that by changing your mind, you can change every experience in your life.

Quit Making A Big Deal Out Of Ordinary Situations

Okay, sounds good, but what’s an “ordinary” situation? Being placed on interminable “hold” while trying to find out why a package has not arrived, for example; seeking help when your computer crashes in the middle of a project for work; dealing with a house remodeling project that is woefully behind schedule, and the workmen have failed to make an appearance for more than a week; getting in the wrong line at the grocery, the one where the three people ahead of you forgot an item and had to run back to get it, causing you to be late to meet a friend or to pick up your child from day care. And let’s not forget the traffic jam, particularly when you are already running late.

All of these extremely ordinary situations can become big problems if we let them. But we don’t have to let them.

The only real problem situations are the ones that place our lives in jeopardy, and even those might be perceived as opportunities for new growth.

Using Every "Problem" As An Opportunity

I remember a very wise man I taught with at the Uni­versity of Minnesota saying that he used every traffic jam as an opportunity to pray for all of the people in all of the cars ahead of him. He said it immediately changed how he felt. He also had the feeling that his prayers helped to loosen up traffic, too.


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One can never know if that’s objectively true, but simply feeling better from tak­ing an action like prayer whenever one experiences “a problem” makes doing it worthwhile. Prayer certainly never hurts a situation or a person. Quite the contrary.

Let’s make the decision to joyfully accept all situa­tions—the lines, the traffic jams, the downed computers, and the rest—as opportunities to include God in our lives, in that moment, and then wait for the change in perception that will assuredly come.

Our lives change when our perceptions change. This is an absolute that we can count on!

Stop Overreacting

Making the decision to give up overreacting will ensure us of far smoother relations with others; it will pave the way for a peacefulness we may not have expe­rienced except on rare occasions in the past, and it will open the door to the wisdom that lies within each of us.

If we can’t give up our habit of overreacting in every situation, stopping ourselves from overreacting even once a day will impact our lives and all of our rela­tionships in a way we’d never have anticipated. The change isn’t just in us. It affects everyone we touch.

Do Nothing

When someone gets “in our face” or attacks us in any way, the desire to retaliate can be nearly overwhelming. My own past is riddled with scenarios where I put on my armor and responded with a vicious attack—fre­quently an attack far worse than the one that had been directed at me.

It never occurred to me that being “attacked,” ver­bally or perhaps even physically, didn’t necessitate a response. Maybe I needed to remove myself from the situation or even seek the help of the authorities, but I did not have to respond. What a relief when I finally realized this!

I had so many opportunities to practice this, to walk away—with my dad, my first husband, my boss of many years. And until I got well into recovery from addictions, I missed every one of these opportu­nities. Not once did I interpret an attack as a sign of fear on the part of the perpetrator. But that’s often precisely what it is.

In my youth, I thought that walking away would be perceived as giving in, and I wanted to make sure my point was understood. But walking away doesn’t mean agreeing with your adversary. On the contrary, it means nothing more than that you have made the choice to disengage. These days, I actually relish every opportunity to let a situation pass me by that would have engaged my ire in the past. I feel empowered every time I make this choice.

The older I get the more I realize that no cir­cumstance is helped by my anger; and I will never know peace if I let myself get trapped in meaningless bicker­ing. When all is said and done, doing nothing is often the most helpful thing you can “do”—for all concerned.

Disengage From The Chaos

Most chaos is a product of some past, oftentimes imagined slight. One way to free yourself from chaos is to try to stay present in the moment, to not layer an experience with the emotions of memorable chaotic past experiences as well. But this takes real vigilance.

Our minds so easily gravitate toward old experiences—or at least what we thought we experienced—as a way of interpreting or anticipating what might come next. If the memory is of something chaotic, we will naturally expect the same this time around and thus increase the chances of actually creat­ing that anticipated chaos in the here and now.

For instance, if there was frequent bickering in your family of origin, if there was far more chaos than peace, you undoubtedly carry this set of expectations into your significant relationships today. But you can make another choice.

We don’t have to do what we always did! We don’t have to think the way we always thought. We don’t have to expect what we always expected.

Our minds are as free of the chaotic past as we choose to make them—which of course means we do not have to engage in the chaos of anyone who is walk­ing on our path at the present time. Our avoidance of chaos can also be a great lesson for others. No one has to be sucked into chaos and drama, but many have yet to learn this.

Disengagement can become a habit just as easily as misguided involvement has been for many of us. It’s a mindset, really, an opportunity to change our mind and discover that our life will follow in a new, more peaceful direction. Nothing is stopping you; all it takes is a little willingness.

So What?

I’ll never forget what it felt like when a good friend said “So what?” to me one day on the phone. I had called her to complain, once again, about a relationship problem I was having. I had turned to her dozens of times for consolation, for validation of my injured feel­ings. And she had always been willing to listen. This time, however, she cut me off, and I was insulted, hurt, angry, and really mystified by her response. How could she do this? What about our friendship?

I didn’t confront her or tell her how hurt I was, but after stewing over it for a couple of hours I began to laugh. It suddenly dawned on me that she was trying to say “Get over it,” whatever “it” was. She was trying to disengage from my constant complaining and in the process show me that I could also disengage from the situations I let rule my thinking.

I realized that I almost always called her over some imagined slight that I then exaggerated. Within our rela­tionships many of us all too easily look for evidence of inattention rather than notice the love that is present. Sure, in some instances I might have been treated un­lovingly, but isn’t the retort, “So what?” more sensible than getting into the ditch with me? In hindsight, I think so.

I also learned the value of “So what?” I came to real­ize that most of the issues in my marriage and in the rest of my life didn’t require dissection.

Learning How To Handle Situations Differently

I know that my life journey is about learning how to handle situations that baffled me in my youth. I know that the people who have accompanied me on this jour­ney, everyone from the supposed perpetrators of slights to the friend who said “So what?” have been part of the grand scheme of my life. I’m willing to bet this is true for you, too. I know also that the painful earlier periods of my life—my childhood, my first marriage, my cycle of addiction—have all been necessary contributors to the woman I have become.

Looking back on any one experience, or all of them for that matter, I see that I might well have said, “So what?” to any one of them. No experience was out to destroy me. My mind was the culprit. I let it rule my emo­tions and far too often my actions. Had I known as a child or even as a young adult what I was eventually able to glean from my good friend’s comment, I might have saved myself hours upon hours of wallowing in self-pity.

You always have the choice between hanging on and letting go. Next time you’re beginning to feel overly vic­timized by life, practice saying, “So what?” to yourself and feel the anxiety drop away.

©2016 by Karen Casey. All rights reserved.
Reprinted with permission of Conari Press,
an imprint of Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC.
www.redwheelweiser.com.

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Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow: 12 Simple Principles by Karen CaseyChange Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow: 12 Simple Principles
by Karen Casey.

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About the Author

Karen CaseyKaren Casey is a popular speaker at recovery and spirituality conferences throughout the country. She conducts Change Your Mind workshops nationally, based on her bestselling Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow (reprinted in 2016). She is the author of 19 books, including Each Day a New Beginning which has sold more than 2 million copies. Visit her at http://www.womens-spirituality.com.