Someone asked me why all "New Age" astrology is so damned positive. Isn't there anybody out there, they asked, who will focus on the negative qualities of the signs? Now, the individual asking that rather bitter question had just escaped from a short-lived but potent relationship with a Scorpio who did every single "Bad Scorpio Thing" ever catalogued. So I'm sure the leftover sting had something to do with the reason for the question. They had a point, though. Unless you want to flip back to one of them old fatalistic texts -- the kind where every paragraph begins with, "The native..." -- when was the last time you saw something written up about the awful side of this or that sign? What a concept, huh?
I mean, it's downright impossible nowadays to find anything bad written about any of the signs. It's not even Politically Astrologically Correct to use the words bad or good anymore. Everything is easy or harmonious, challenging or tending to be difficult. We've sugar-coated all the snap out of our descriptions of the signs rather than -- Goddess forbid! -- appear to stereotype anybody.
Still, stereotypes aren't stereotypes for nothing. If they didn't work, we wouldn't recognize them. Each of the signs certainly does have a distinctly negative expression, which we've all seen demonstrated -- in spades -- at one time or another. In fact, it seems we've all seen these traits exhibited by someone we've dated, but never, of course, until "The Ordeal" was over.
Well, once I got to thinking about it, I couldn't resist. I grabbed my 9th-house Mars in Scorpio and went to work. Take a look and see if you don't recognize at least one ex-someone in the descriptions below. Keep in mind that the more recent the end of "The Ordeal", the more recognizable these qualities will be. Clip them and stick them on your refrigerator for next time, or send the one that applies to the ex of your choice. Just have a good giggle and remember these aren't bad sign delineations. They're just descriptions of how challenging certain signs can be.
Aries | Taurus | Gemini | Cancer | Leo | Virgo
Libra | Scorpio | Sagittarius | Capricorn | Aquarius | Pisces
Aries:
Looking for a lover who's mature, gentle, thoughtful, considerate, and entirely unselfish? Well, then, don't even consider dating an Aries. They'll amaze you at their ability to stuff six "I's" into every sentence -- in between slamming doors, driving like a maniac, and screaming like an infant until they get what they want. Do they really throw temper tantrums? No, no, no!!! Are they hideously impatient? Oh, no, of course not. They're willing to wait at least 4-1/2 seconds for a seat in the restaurant right smack in the middle of the dinner hour, another 5 seconds after they're seated for the waitress to sprint to the table with the meal she's magically intuited they were about to order, another 7 seconds after their plate hits the table for the check, and they'll see you in the car when you're done! Oh, you're only on the salad? Are these Mars-ruled folks really as totally unaware of Others as they seem to be? Well, no, of course not. They know perfectly well there are Others in the world -- they refer to us as The Opponents.
Taurus:
Don't date a Taurus if you're not Looking For A Relationship, because once you ask them out they'll consider themselves engaged and want to shop for rings. If you are looking for an over-possessive materialist, get yourself a Taurus. Do date a Taurus if you enjoy eating huge, fattening meals in front of the television set every night, and you don't mind carrying a pager so they can reach you at any moment to ask you to stop at the grocery store on the way home. Are they really as stubborn and slow-moving as legend has it? Well, let's just say that if you're waiting for them to change their mind, you should definitely bring along something to read. And if you're waiting for them to get ready to do anything, be prepared to actually watch your nails grow ....
Gemini:
Geminis aren't nearly as fickle as folks make them out to be. They're just, oh,....easily distracted. If you're dating a Gemini, always have Plan B ready -- and make sure you drive. Be prepared to hear all about their childhood, several times, with no specifics spared. This sign is awfully fond of details, and each one is just as important as the next. In the middle of the story about the kid on the beach with the toy plane, you'll hear all about their grandmother's apron, their cousin Sally's first car, etc. Once they get talking, they probably won't notice if you leave the table. When you've heard enough about how Dad used to wear the green overalls to mow the lawn -- and the red cap when he weeded -- just head to the bathroom for a Time-Out. With any luck, when you come back, they'll be ready to wind things up with a description of the way the gym was decorated at their Senior Prom.
Cancer:
Cancers are known to be private types who are fond of their homes and very, very tight with their families. Don't ask them any personal questions for at least a year, regardless of whether or not you're married by then. However, if your idea of great fun is hanging out at their place with their mother and their children, doing needlepoint, looking at their baby pictures (again), reading cookbooks, and eating chocolate-chip cookies (making sure the shades are drawn so They can't see in), you've found your ideal match. Moody? Well, maybe a little, but only if you say something they take the wrong way -- which is every other sentence. Clingy? Only until they're sure you're really committed. Then they'll let you go out alone again. But not without your sun block, umbrella, and extra sweater -- just in case.
Leo:
Looking for an easygoing, low-maintenance, and independent partner? Someone who can always roll with the punches, never takes anything personally, and is always able to separate their ego from the situation at hand? Well, then avoid Leos at all costs. If you're dating a Leo, you're going to need lots of Power Naps because these folks are as high-maintenance as they come. If you can manage to call and/or stop by to tell them they look good, did good, and that the color of the sweater they're wearing really brings out their eyes -- at least 18 times a day -- they'll be mildly placated. If you don't, they'll pout and say you don't love them anymore. Too bad the reason you didn't call was because you were having surgery. Couldn't someone else dial the phone for you? Be prepared for your life to turn into a soap opera, too. With Leo, High Drama is the only way to go, and Big Entrances and Big Exits, are the only way to get there. Most important of all, don't ever stand in their spotlight -- which is anywhere people gather in groups of more than one.
Virgo:
If you're thinking of dating a Virgo, your best bet is to invest in a lint brush, some spearmint dental floss, and an expensive pair of double-thick, lined, sanitized, yellow rubber gloves. Are they all obsessive neat freaks? Absolutely not. They will, however, grade you on a daily basis-- lint accumulation in your navel, leftover sesame seeds in your teeth, or an untidy bathroom bowl will count for Big Points off your GPA. Once you've passed The Neatness Test, however, get ready to experience such rollicking good times as helping them alphabetize their CD's, rearrange their silverware drawer, and vacuum the car -- again. Are they all hypochondriacs? Well, maybe not, but how many other people do you know who own 27 Revised Annual Editions of the Physician's Desktop Handbook of Symptoms?
Libra:
Don't ever ask a Libra a question that involves a choice unless you want to camp out wherever you happen to be while they're trying to choose. They're not famous for their decision-making abilities. If you want to date a Libra, tell them what you want them to wear before you get there, pick them up, take them where you want to go, and order for them. You'll have a wonderful time -- which is all that counts, in their minds. Do Libras lie? No, they don't... well, maybe a little... okay, it depends. If they know you really want to hear the truth, then truth it is -- 100%. If truth is not what they know you're in the mood for, they'll smile, ask you what you think, and agree. That's not lying, is it? It's just that they care so very much about your happiness -- truly. Never mind the fact they'll also smile, listen, and agree when your arch-enemy tells their side of the story seconds later, while you're in the bathroom. Of course, that's not likely to happen, i.e., you going anywhere without your Libra lover. These folks don't like to do anything alone or go anywhere without you -- not even there.
Scorpio:
Looking for a lover who will automatically suspect you of lying at all times? Someone who will be obsessively jealous of everyone around you, regardless of their age or sex? Want a relationship with someone who will squint suspiciously at you, at least once a day, and ask what you really meant by that? If so, you've found your match -- or, actually, they've found you. They'll continue finding you, too, no matter where you hide. Just look out back in those bushes. That's them in the black tights -- with the binoculars. Oh, it might seem a bit psychotic at first, but you'll get used to it. Keeping you in their sights is just Scorpio's way of saying, I Love You.
Sagittarius:
Getting a Sag to fall for you is a piece of cake. They're really good at falling, tripping, stumbling, etc. In fact, Sags can injure themselves worse just walking down the street than most people can from being involved in a major car accident. If you're looking for a real klutz who's totally excessive, unable to shut up, be discreet, or have "just a slice" of anything, you're in luck. Oh, your Sag lover will also fancy themselves to be your teacher, too. So listen carefully in between burps, and you, too, will learn how to be gluttonous, loud, pompous, and obnoxious -- in public -- while telling the horrified people at the next table to just Loosen Up.
Capricorn:
Are you in the market for a lover who's ultra responsible, In Charge, and Right On Top Of Things? In other words, a workaholic who takes their organizer, cell-phone, and portable fax machine everywhere, and wears a pin-striped suit everywhere (even hiking), just in case an important new contact comes along? Well, sign right here. Your Capricorn lover will never go off duty -- never. In between bites of dinner, they'll sell off their BioTech holdings, fire the entire art department, and phone their secretary to tell them to phone the cleaners to make sure their shirts are ready to be picked up next Thursday at 5:30. Conversation? Oh, with you, you mean? Why? Is there something you need to say? Laughter? Why? Is there nothing serious to talk about?
Aquarius:
If you just adore folks with hot pink hair (on the half of their head that isn't shaved), rows of small pierced silver rings in the most interesting places, and wardrobes full of nothing but purple Peruvian vests, sunglasses, Grateful Dead t-shirts, and Birkenstocks, get yourself one of these. Think of how easy it will be to shop for them! Long known for their love of Causes, and their quirky but, like, totally hip behavior, you and your Aquarius lover will enjoy all kinds of important activities together. You can install (more) Question Authority bumper stickers on the back of their VW van, go to coffee houses where it is an accepted rule that no one speaks while the sitar player is plinking (unless it's to say "Wow, Really"), and march in demonstrations to protest for the Cause of the Month. Like, go for it ....
Pisces:
Is your ideal lover someone who just loves "Air Supply" and Barry Manilow? Someone who starts crying at the beginning of Walt Disney reruns? Are you looking for someone with thirteen cats, seven dogs, and a three-legged ferret -- in a four-room apartment? If so, you need a Pisces. It's not true that they never get out of bed or away from the television set. If you can find their clothes, and give them very specific instructions on what to do with them, you can even take them out -- but understand that they will only want to go to The Movies, to the Pool, or Out For A Drink. No matter where you take them, they'll have no idea where they are or how they got there. Are they really all that easily confused? Huh?
Kim Rogers-Gallagher - all rights reserved.
Book by this author:
Astrology for the Light Side of the Brain
by Kim Rogers-Gallagher.
About The Author
Kim Rogers-Gallagher interprets charts, lectures nationally, and particularly enjoys political and mundane astrology. Her first book is Astrology for the Light Side of the Brain and her second is Astrology for the Light Side of the Future. She can be reached at PO. Box 141, Ridgway, CO 81432-0141.
