At what point do you say, "I'm leaving -- he's been beating me for years and it isn't going to stop"? When do you stop believing a lie? You stop when you learn the truth. And you learn the truth by no longer believing a lie.

Since I ended my relationship with my abuser, God has continually placed battered women on my path. It might be at a luncheon or a meeting or at a tennis match. Once they find out what I do, they become an open book. They need to vent. They tell me what he has done to them. The conversation almost always goes something like this:

"I work (or don't work), and he handles all the money. I've been trying to think of a way to leave him, but he's home all day. I want to get all my possessions out of the house and I can't do it with him there."

I reply, "If you work, why do you hand your paycheck over to him? Why don't you open your own checking account?"

"Oh, I couldn't do that. He'd get angry and beat me!"

Interesting. "But he's beating you anyway. So what's the difference?"

"I just need time to plan."

I ask, "How long have you been with him, and how long has he been abusing you?"

"Fifteen years. He's been hitting me the entire time."

"How much more time do you need to plan? You aren't planning; you're stalling. Just what is it you're getting out of this relationship that keeps you hanging on?"

Silence.

A prisoner wouldn't try to escape from jail without planning. It may take him two years, but at least he's been working on a plan. You cannot escape an unpleasant situation without thinking about it -- not about ways to make it work, but ways to leave. When we stop believing the lie that our abuser will change after years of hitting us, we are left with the truth. Why should he change? Is there a need? Hasn't he promised after every beating that it will never happen again? Why would it suddenly be different this time?

THE LIE: He will change.

THE TRUTH: No, he won't.

He doesn't want to change. He doesn't need to.

Our abuser only has our actions to go by. Our threats and words are empty. We prove that very fact each time we stay after a beating. Your actions say that what he is doing to you is acceptable.

We tell our abuser, "If you ever hit me again, I will leave you, divorce you, take you to the cleaners, have you thrown in jail, etc." He hits us again and we repeat our same threats. but we stay. Which do you think he believes -- our actions or our words?

THE LIE: I'm nothing without him.

I have no future without him.

THE TRUTH: What kind of future?

One that involves being beaten or called horrible names? That's a future?

What if we have never worked at a job? Usually our batterer wants us at home, isolated, so we have no job skills. What do we do?

Truthfully, you get assistance. I have not always had money. While seeking my first divorce and before child support had been court ordered, I started working at a local bank. I don't know how I kept that job. I knew nothing about banking. Going through the divorce kept me tied in knots, and I wasn't sleeping. I felt like a stupid, uneducated idiot on a daily basis. It was horrible. I would cry at night while lying in bed. I wanted to die.

I was not making enough money to support my children and myself. My about-to-be-ex gave me some financial help, but not enough to survive. It was his way of trying to force me to return to him. Of course, my father wouldn't help, so I did a little growing up. I applied for food stamps. It was humbling. but my children had food to eat. You simply do what you have to do! There is always a way out.

THE LIE: I can't make it on my own.

THE TRUTH: Yes, you can.

Many other women have done it. Stop making excuses.

What if you're basically held captive in your own home? You're not allowed to work, you have no money, no car, and your spouse is beating you?

Guess what? There are shelters for women just like you. You can call them, talk with them, and if you feel you are truly in danger, they will arrange to meet you someplace and take you to a safe haven. Not only will you be safe, but they will help you plan your life, counsel you, and help you get financial assistance. It is an opportunity to start a new life. They will even go to court with you!

What if you have a job, a car, and your own money but are living with an abuser? Maybe he is just verbally or economically abusive. Perhaps he is a control freak. What then?

Guess what? There are support groups for women just like you, too! They usually meet once a week, and as you talk and share, you learn to regain your own power. I have seen women's lives changed by support groups. Sometimes, if a man is verbally abusive and discovers that his wife will no longer tolerate it, he changes. Sometimes.

Remember, a physical abuser, with counseling, has a cure rate of only 20 percent. That is with counseling. I never encourage a woman to stay with a man who hits her.

THE LIE: I deserve to be beaten.

THE TRUTH: Nobody deserves that.

When we are accustomed to men who treat us badly, it is all we know. It is all we expect. It is all we need. We have convinced ourselves that we are not worthy of a good man or respectful treatment. We have learned to survive on abuse. It becomes our "fix".

Before therapy, I could attend a party or business function and there might be 12 men at the event. Eleven of them would be kind, considerate, polite, and loving. I would somehow focus on the 12th man. The sick one.

Why is that? Because there was this self-loathing part of me that could find the man who also hated himself. Like tends to attract like -- it's a law of the universe. It was my sickness reaching out and recognizing his sickness. We would inevitably gravitate toward each other.

Do you believe you deserve to be hit? Did your father hit you? If not, were you a little pleaser as a child and never outgrew it? "Daddy's little girl." She knows that by being cute and coy, Daddy will approve of her.

Are you repeating this same behavior in your relationship with your abuser? Do you revert to a young girls mannerisms when your abuser is angry? I did -- with both my father and John. In the case of my father, this occurred in my adult years as well as during my childhood.

How do you feel after being hit, kicked, choked, or raped by your abuser? Do you feel intimidated, shamed, submissive, or beaten down? Do you feel all those things? That is how he wants you to feel, and you have fallen into his trap. How convenient for him! Is it convenient for you? It must be. You stay.

THE LIE: All men are terrible.

THE TRUTH: Just the ones you have been attracted to.

During a support group, one woman who was having a hard time giving up her abuser (although she was not married to him) stated: "These men are all the same. A bunch of creeps."

This wasn't true, and I had to speak up. "That just isn't a fact. What is a fact is this: You are attracted to creeps. Likewise, you put out vibes, and the creeps are attracted to you. They pick up on your signals."

She was adamant. "No, they're all creeps. I'll never believe any differently."

I don't know why, but I started crying. I wanted to reach her. "Listen to me for a minute, please. Mr. Right could come along and knock on your front door, but you'll never know it because you'll be inside, in bed, with your abuser."

THE LIE: I stay because I love him.

THE TRUTH: Look up the meaning of "love."

What you have isn't love. It is control (ours), fear, and obsession.

Because I love to write, I would pour out my emotions in long letters to John. I didn't mail these letters; I just wrote them. I had packed them away, but I ran across them later when I moved.

Yuck! They were full of self-pity and games. I could see just how controlling I had been. I was trying to make him feel bad for what he'd done. Then I'd tell him I couldn't live like that and never would again. Then I'd start asking him why he did the things he did. It was one big game, and it made me sick to read these letters. What was I thinking? I was trying to keep him hanging on through self-pity, denial, control, and immaturity.

Why do we deny? Because it is easier than changing.

THE LIE: By denying that I am abused, it isn't really happening.

THE TRUTH: Denial does not change facts.

Do you stay because deep down you enjoy feeling sorry for yourself? Come on, admit it. I had to! I sometimes enjoyed the newfound respect I received from John while wearing the bruises he gave me. It made him nicer. It was a very sick pattern.

You know the tricks of the trade -- wearing short-sleeved blouses around the house so he can see the bruises. Wearing shorts so he can see the marks on your legs. Exaggerating a limp or movement so he will be sure to notice the pain he has inflicted.

It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is part of the pattern. What we are trying to do is make him feel the shame that he should feel. The only problem is, he won't feel it! If he did, he'd stop, so wise up! Who are you fooling anyway? You know the answer. Yourself!

THE LIE: He will stop.

If I leave him for a short period of time, he will know I'm serious and stop hitting me.

THE TRUTH: Why would that work?

Why would that make him change? You still returned to him. The abuser looks at our actions, which means returning to him. This tells him we are willing to accept his abuse.

THE LIE: My children need their father.

THE TRUTH: Get real!

Do you understand what you're doing to your children? You're destroying them! Stop making them the scapegoat. Although your children will be protective of you and hug you and cry with you after a violent scene, they will begin to resent you and lose respect for you. This is what happened to John.

Statistics prove that if you stay with an abuser, your son stands seven times the chance of growing up to become an abusive adult. Your daughter stands three times the chance of becoming a victim. You've taught them how to function in that role. You are their role model. Like your abuser, they learn from your actions, not your words.

Can you imagine being six years old and hiding in your bedroom while your father beats your mother? She's screaming and crying and begging for mercy. You hear him hitting her and kicking her and calling her names that a six-year-old should never hear.

What do you do if you're this child? You can't leave. You're a prisoner. You have no choices. You're forced to live like this. You don't want to bring friends to your house. Mom always has black eyes, or Dad might come home and start yelling. Then your secret is out. What a nightmare!

I believe that if domestic violence continues to grow in the numbers that it has, the courts are going to start removing children from these homes. Keeping them there is a form of child abuse. You may not hit your child, but there are things just as bad.

Your friends may be supportive, but let's face it -- they're going to grow tired of listening to your sob stories. You ask advice but continue to live with the abuser. You don't really want advice -- you want to vent.

Venting can do you good. The only problem is when you continue to do it over and over and over again. What good can that possibly do? It will not change your situation at home. Telling someone else what your abuser perpetrates upon you does not bring about healing. Talking about why you stay will.

THE LIE: When he hits you, it is your issue.

THE TRUTH: Why he hits you is his issue.

This is your issue: why do you stay? When you get to the bottom of your issue, you will start to get mentally healthy.

While answering the Crisis Line at a shelter for battered women, I take calls from victims wanting to know if there are groups for men who batter. Their husband has not asked them to call. They do it on their own, to try and get him help.

The women are the ones who need help. They're trying to step in and rescue this man who doesn't feel the need to be rescued. They don't see the lie. If he really wanted to change, he would be calling and asking for help.

This article was excerpted from:

Whose Face Is in the Mirror?
by Dianne Schwartz.

Reprinted with permission of Hay House Inc. ©2000. www.hayhouse.com. All of the profits generated from this book will benefit Louise Hay's nonprofit organization, The Hay Foundation, which diligently works to improve the quality of life for many people, including battered women and people with AIDS.

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About The Author

Dianne Schwartz, the survivor of an abusive marriage, is the founder and president of Educating Against Domestic Violence, Inc. (EADV), a nonprofit organization providing assistance to battered persons. She is available for presentations on the subject to organizations and educational institutions, and can be reached through her Website at www.eadv.net or through the Hay House publicity department.