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The idea that people are who and what they say they are is merely an assumption. It's not only a common assumption, it's a necessary assumption. It's what some have referred to as the truth bias that operates in society -- an implicit assumption that unless we're shown some reason to believe otherwise, we generally believe we're being told the truth. You can think of the truth bias as a societal default position -- the way we'll normally operate unless we get a signal to act differently.

All of us probably know some people who are highly skeptical and cynical about life in general, but I suspect even those folks manage to muster some level of truth bias in their day-to-day activities. If they didn't, they wouldn't get much done. Just imagine what life would be like if we didn't operate with a truth bias, and how society would function without it. The sight of everyone running around fact-checking and verifying everything they were told is a bit incomprehensible. To say that it would be a society of paranoids with all of us at the brink of insanity would be an understatement.

In other words, some measure of truth bias is necessary if our society is to function smoothly and efficiently. It shouldn't surprise us, then, to learn that Romantic Deception is partly fueled by the truth bias of the larger social order. It was apparent in any number of the interviews:

You know it never occurred to me that anybody would lie like that. I can look back on it now and realize there wasn't much he told me that was the truth. But that didn't even occur to me at the time. I'm just not like that. I don't expect people to lie to me. I expect them to tell the truth.

-- Katie, age 19

I felt really stupid. I had no reason to doubt anything he said or did. We'd probably been together for four or five months before I had any hint anything was wrong. Up to that point, I trusted him completely. I didn't have any reason to doubt him, so I didn't.

-- Jerri, age 41

The thing about him was that he told me that honesty was something that was real important to him. He told me he'd been hurt real bad by this woman that lied to him. I believed him. It's as simple as that. He told me he thought it was important to be honest and I figured he was telling the truth. Boy was I fooled.

-- Ellie, age 33

How the hell are you supposed to know? Are you supposed to have this attitude that every guy you will meet is lying? You'd go nuts if you did that.

-- Lydia, age 40

Socialization

As much as the truth bias is imbedded in society, socialization is imbedded in us as individuals. It's the process of socialization that gives us the cultural knowledge we need if we're to function as a member of society. At times we rail against it, but it's with us, in us, and around us from cradle to grave.

As children, we were taught about the importance of honesty and why it's important to tell the truth. If the process works the way it's supposed to, we'll tell the truth because it's the right thing to do. In a word, we will have internalized the value. The value of honesty and truth-telling will become such a part of us that we don't give it a moment's thought.

When values are internalized, they become part of our core belief structure, defining who we are in the most fundamental and important sense. And our internalized values also function as our internal compass -- letting us know when behavior (ours or someone else's) is out of bounds. Unfortunately, our core beliefs have a way of becoming so important to us that it's often very difficult to imagine that we could even find ourselves in the company of someone who didn't hold the same values.

Much like the horror that the neighbors usually express when they learn that the man next door has just been nabbed for being a serial murderer, it's very difficult for well-socialized truth tellers to even contemplate that they could be mixed up with a big-time liar. And that's the whole point about socialization and how it gives rise to deceptive relationships. Ask me who's vulnerable to Romantic Deception, and high on my list will be the woman who was raised right. Show me a woman who believes in honesty and I'll show you a woman who finds it hard to even imagine that she could get mixed up with a big-time liar. Show me a woman who places a premium on honesty in a relationship, and I'll show you a vulnerable target.

This article is excerpted from:

Romantic Deception - The six signs he's lying
by Sally Caldwell.

Reprinted with permission from the publisher, Adams Media Corp., Holbrook, Mass., USA. ©2000. http://www.adamsonline.com

Info/Order this book. 

About The Author

SALLY CALDWELL has a Ph.D. in sociology and currently teaches at Southwest Texas State University. The author can be reached by email at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. .

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