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Just what is a feeling, exactly? That was a question a client asked me, with an emphasis on the "exactly." It's a great question because it is so direct, to the point, and so difficult to answer exactly and correctly.

Trying to Figure out Feelings

But because it is so important, and because I didn't have a ready-made answer, he and I spent a lot of time trying to get the right words. Here's what my client came up with: Your gut response to anything at any moment of your life. I like that answer. I think it's an especially good answer for men.

A feeling is your gut response to anything at any moment of your life.

Here are some other possible answers:

• Feelings are your automatic reactions to life or to any of its many aspects.

• Feelings are your instinctive responses to the persons, things, and events of the world the small world you live in and the big world all around you.

• Feelings are urges to act, or movements from within you toward some action, which include thoughts as well as psychological and biological states.

Feelings: Internal Responses to Life

But here's the answer I like best: Feelings are the internal responses that are going on in you as you are going through life.

I like the word responses here because it implies a readiness to give forth. These responses are to the realities inside you and to all that comes at you from the outside world. They are the most powerful of all influences on the quality of your entire life. That means if you are good at the feeling part of life, your chances of success and happiness are hugely increased. I mean enormously.

This definition emphasizes that feelings begin their lives internally. They are in you; they are a part of you; you generate them.

Even if they are a response to what is happening outside of you, they come from within. Two people can experience the same event at the same time and have widely different feelings in response.

Are Emotions the Same As Feelings?

Sometimes the words emotion or affect are used instead of feeling, and they can often mean the same thing. Psychiatrist Willard Gaylin, in his book Feelings: Our Vital Signs, makes these distinctions: Emotion is the general term that includes feeling, biological states, and even chemical changes. Affect refers to one's overall emotional tone as others perceive it. Feeling is the subjective awareness of one's own emotional state.

I like the word feeling because it's simpler and more personal, and it gets closer to the area where we have trouble, our personal awareness. Thus, it's also more challenging for men. For example, when you hear or say the word feelings do you experience some discomfort? Does it sound "soft" or "feminine" or "unmanly" or otherwise suspect? Bingo! That's pay dirt. And that's part of our challenge.

This article was excerpted from the book:

Nothing's Wrong: A Man's Guide to Managing His Feelings
by David Kundtz.

Reprinted with permission of the publisher, Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC. ©2004. www.redwheelweiser.com

Info/Order this book.

More books by this author.

About the Author

David Kundtz holds graduate degrees in psychology and theology and a doctoral degree in pastoral psychology. Ordained in the 1960s, he worked as an editor and pastor until he left the ministry in 1982. He is currently a licensed family therapist and the director of Berkeley California-based Inside Track Seminars, which specializes in stress management for the helping professions. He lives in Kensington, California and Vancouver, British Columbia. Web site: www.stopping.com.

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