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I never gave much importance to my father's death and its effect on my life. I tucked it away under the category something unfortunate that happened when you were a kid. It felt as though I put all those unexpressed feelings, words and emotions into a little invisible jar and screwed the cap on tightly. My mind must have known that this was a very important jar, because it found a safe place deep inside of me to keep it. As long as no one came along to bother the jar, it stayed tucked away and my life seemed at ease. However, the problem was that I couldn't keep it unbothered and tucked away forever. People did come along to disturb it.

Transitions In Life

My life as an adult woman began to change when I began having relationships with men. I couldn't understand why I was so angry and controlling. It scared me when I began acting more violently towards men. I didn't feel this was really me. I was married at 23 and, at 30, was divorced. Then I married again, and, at 36, I was back in divorce court again. I didn't have a clue that my unhappy and unfulfilling relationships had anything to do with the little jar of bottled up emotions I carried around.

I needed to become complete with the leftover feelings from long ago that I kept unknowingly dragging into my present.

I never allowed anyone to know just how much I really missed my dad. It was not until a diagnosis of breast cancer that I began to understand the seriousness of my disease. When I got beyond the fear, I made a commitment to do whatever it would take to get well. I realized this cancer was a symptom of a much deeper toxic condition. Fortunately, there were many people around me who loved, listened and supported me through a year and a half journey back to health. I was gently guided back to the original me and to the event which triggered it all. I also began attending support group meetings, meditation classes and seminars. I started reading books on self transformation and kept a daily journal. I had little time left for work. Taking care of myself was now my full-time occupation.

From this realization came startling revelations. I began to separate facts from what I made my father's death mean. This was a very important part of my healing puzzle. I realized that as an eight-year old, I made many unconscious decisions that were not true. Then, for the next 27 years, I lived according to these decisions. I made up beliefs such as; Men who love me will leave me. I must work very hard to take care of myself and others. I must become super responsible for everything and everyone. I cannot take good enough care of myself. I decided that I needed to find a man for that job just in case I couldn't do it well enough on my own. I also decided that I never wanted to end up like my mother — alone without enough money. I found evidence to validate my beliefs and allowed my beliefs to become my facts. I often enrolled other people in my stories. This allowed me to continue blaming the people around me. It also allowed me to remain a victim.

However through counseling, I soon forgave myself for what I didn't know. I began to understand that I had finally gotten to the seed that created all this disharmony in the first place. I no longer had to live life through an addiction known as co-dependency. I could choose to clean up my past and stand in the possibilities of my future. I could begin to learn how to live. But first, I needed to become complete with the leftover feelings from long ago that I kept unknowingly dragging into my present.

Clearing The Past

My counselor suggested I meet my dad face to face through a process called psychosynthesis. With my eyes closed, my counselor guided me back to the last memories I had of my father. I brought up a picture in my mind of my family sitting around our kitchen table talking. I was then asked to picture in my mind the part of myself that is wise and loving and to bring her into the room. A detailed image of her appeared. She stood in the middle of the kitchen, but the others could not see her. With a movement of her hand, she gently motioned for the little girl, which was me at eight years old, to come with her. She told me that she would take me to see someone who had something very important to tell me. I felt secure with her, got up from the table and took her hand.

"I could not teach you by telling you.
I could only teach you by showing you my example."

She was serene and self assured. She guided me towards the bathroom door letting me know she would leave me in the little room, but would be right outside the door. I understood I would be safe and she would come back for me when I was finished. It all seemed very easy. She opened the door and gestured for me to walk inside and closed the door. There, I was standing face to face with my father!

Message From Beyond

He was healthy and energetic and was casually dressed in new clothes and looked down at me with a big smile as if he had been waiting for a long time to see me. I looked up at him. I felt excited. He bent down and lifted me up into his arms. I rested my body on his hip. It felt familiar, cozy and safer. We just looked at each other and hugged for a little while before he began to speak. I expected that I would be doing most of the talking, but to my surprise, I spoke only to answer his questions.

My father did all of the talking. His first words to me were. "You know it is time for me to go now." His voice was gentle and direct. Looking into his eyes, I answered, "I know." There was no sadness or upset for either of us. I felt as if I understood all along where he was going. He continued, "I have to go on to do more of my work. I came to this family to show them how it is to live and to be. How to love and be open to all people. People of all races and backgrounds. We are really all the same. Do you understand?" I answered, "Yes".

He says, "We are a part of a group of very special people who have come into this world at this time to show the others that it is enough to just be. We must teach only example. The others will see that example and be inspired by it. Your light within you will radiate outward and touch all those who still have doubts and fears about living. This is very special work. It is work to heal the world. A power greater than you has sent me here to begin this work in this family and now I need to leave. It is now your turn to carry on this work. Do you understand?" I answered, "Yes".

He looks strongly into my big eyes. I can feel the connection between us I used to feel, but it is even greater now. I do not sense a difference in our sizes or ages. I understand that we have come from the same place, but he came earlier and is getting ready to move on to another place now. My father tells me he has waited a long time for me.

He says, "It only took you eight short years to learn what I came here to teach you about loving people and touching their lives. I could not teach you by telling you. I could only teach you by showing you my example. We are people who will build the bridge for others to walk across, then collapse our bridge and move forward to reach the others who want to cross over to a loving and peaceful way of living and being."

Still talking he says, "You are next in line to carry this message to this family. Obstacles have been put on your path, so that you can experience them first hand, go through them and show others they can do the same. Show them, through your example, that it is possible to change anything when you have a strong desire and willingness to give up the old thoughts." He told me that as we each change ourselves, we change the entire world one by one. He says, "People will see your strength and courage and admire it, but remain humble and shine with the gifts of your original qualities." I somehow understood what he meant even though he never told me that whose original qualities were. I knew they were peace, love, joy, knowledge, power, and purity of my every thought word and action. It felt as if we learned from the same teachers a very long time ago.

He told me I would not have to work hard anymore. I have worked very hard in the past, but it won't be like that now. My work will be different because I am different. He says, "This work is very important." Again he stresses, "Do you understand?" I say that I do.

He says, "Let people know that we are here to love each other and to be happy and peaceful. This is our purpose. With this foundation, all the rest will be O.K. in our lives and in the world. It is not supposed to be difficult. We make it seem difficult instead of allowing it to be easy. Keep your life simple."

His last words to me are, "I will watch you grow. You will do well." Our conversation is complete and we are both very quiet. He looks once again into my eyes. I can feel the essence of my father leaving and coming into me at that moment. All of his qualities are being transferred to me.

I felt a great sense of completion, security and lightness. He stood up and watched me as the bathroom door opened. I said "goodbye" and walked out of the room as the door closed behind me. I knew my father was gone but now I understood why.

Wish Fulfilled

This entire experience was of great value to me. Now, I feel at ease and complete with all the feelings I kept locked up and tucked away inside all those years. I will no longer drag those feelings into my future relationships with men and others.

I feel that my search over the last year and a half is finished. I feel safe and healthy and realize that love and peace do have the power to heal. I know that my father is always there for me and that I can talk to him anytime.

Each year for the past twenty seven years I have had a secret wish for Father's Day — to talk face to face with my dad. He left this world the day before my ninth birthday, and in many ways it felt like a clock inside of me stopped. Today is the next day, and my clock is running again. It is truly my happy birthday and my wish has come finally true. Happy Father's Day, Dad. I love you.

Recommended book:

Love Beyond Life: Healing and Growing through After-Death Communications
by Joel Martin.

Info/Order this book

About The Author

Juanita Mazzarella is a spiritual traveler, poet, vegetarian teacher, graphic designer and the creator of InnerChild T-Shirts and Nightshirts. She lives in Miami, Florida.

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