If you’ve found that depression has come along with menopause, you have lots of company. Estimates on the number of women who report feeling depressed in the menopausal years range from 11 to 33 percent, but the numbers may be even higher. Many women may not report their depression or seek help for it but instead try to tough it out. They may feel embarrassed or even ashamed of being depressed, thinking that they have no real serious life issues or crises that merit depression and that they are therefore not entitled to feel the way they do. They may scold or criticize themselves while concealing their vague, general sadness.
Other women may gradually become resigned to feeling flat or indifferent, but you don’t have to adapt to a state of tedium.
Hormones strongly influence these feelings during depression. But it can be difficult to sort out how much of the blues is due to estrogen decline and attendant low serotonin levels, and how much results from life changes that tend to come fast and hard during menopause.
You CAN Cope
There’s plenty of nonsense out there suggesting that we poor old menopausal biddies just can’t cope with the loss of our youth and fertility or our children leaving home — don’t buy into that for a minute. You haven’t gotten this far in life without being able to handle whatever life has put in front of you, and that ability doesn’t go away during menopause.
Remember that sadness is a normal response to some of what we face in menopause. Our roles as daughters and mothers may shift profoundly. Sometimes women in midlife become the mothers to their mothers, due to frailty, dementia, or loneliness after the death of their fathers. This revised position in the family can contribute to sadness, fatigue, and anxiety. If this phase in your life includes new responsibilities for your mother or other older relatives, the care and support you provide to yourself will greatly increase your ability to help them.
And midlife is the period when many women lose their mothers. Whether the relationship was ideal or fraught with problems, the loss is life changing.
If you are a mother, the changes that come with menopause frequently coincide — and in some cases clash with — a transformation in the relationship with your children. Perhaps your children are teenagers, so there are days when menopausal irritability and teen sullenness form a particularly combustible mix in the household. If your children are older, you may have a mix of wistfulness and delight as you watch them go out on their own into the world. Or you may find yourself feeling burdened by children who are a bit slower than you would like in leaving the nest, or who continue to rely on you financially when you wish they were paying their own way now.
Remind yourself that you still have the capacity to adjust to life’s changes, just as you have in the past. You’ve done it before, and you can do it again. Being sad doesn’t mean you are not being brave or that you can’t handle life — you can. Give some careful thought to the degree to which sadness or depression is interfering with your life, and then try these strategies for dealing with it.
Don’t Be Sad Alone
This piece of advice means different things to different women, depending on their personality. Women who take comfort in prayer or another spiritual practice often find solace in asking for their God’s presence in their struggle, with a prayer that can be as simple as “God, please be with me in my sadness, worry, fear, or anger.” Other women benefit from resolving to pick up the phone when depression threatens to get the best of them. Call someone you miss, whom you haven’t talked with in a while, and catch up. Get in touch with a friend whose company you enjoy. Make a plan to do something that makes it impossible to feel sad while you’re doing it and that gives you something fun to anticipate — see a funny movie or play, take in an evening of stand-up comedy, attend a concert together, or pick a beautiful place to meet for a walk.
Decide What to Let Go Of
It’s very powerful to decide to limit our suffering about the things we can’t change. What are those things in your life? Write them down. Look over the list, and tear it to bits if you like. Then choose whatever ritual you prefer to symbolize letting go of these sources of sadness or stress.
Anytime you find your mind returning to these causes of stress or sorrow, remind yourself by saying out loud, “I burned that,” or “I buried that.” Visualize it as gone, over, done, with no more power over your life. You’re in charge.
Get a Move On
ake stock of your personal and professional relationships. Which support your happiness and which impede it? Deciding to move on or limit your interaction with people who don’t bring anything positive to your life doesn’t have to involve confrontation or acrimony — it means you make the choice to emphasize the people and things that boost your spirits and make you feel good. Write down the names of people who are welcome in your life.
Work It Out
Reflect on your work and its role in your satisfaction or, conversely, in your stress or depression. Many of us may not have the option of leaving a job now, but we can refashion the work we’re doing. Take a class to boost your knowledge and talk with your supervisor about adjusting your role. If you’re currently facing the stress of seeking work, look into volunteering for an organization that can benefit from your professional skills.
Face Sadness and Fear
Accepting a feeling doesn’t mean you’re stuck with it. But there may be times when the antidote to stress or despondency is telling yourself that you’re going to live with it for a specific amount of time. You decide how long that will be — the next hour, afternoon, or day — and then you’re going to either set it aside as something that can’t be fixed or as something you’ll face again when you’re ready.
Count Your Blessings, Set Down Your Burdens
Many women find it affirming to make a daily note of three things they are grateful for that day. Keep a notebook by your bed just for this purpose. Doing this each evening and leafing through this notebook at times when life seems dreary can increase your optimism, which positively impacts your health. Research shows that taking the time to place yourself in a state of gratitude lowers stress levels and may heighten immune function.
Reach Out to Help Someone, and Help Yourself
Sometimes the best way to shake a persistent cloud of unhappiness is to give someone else a hand. In your neighborhood, among your colleagues, or in your circle of friends, there’s always any number of people whose day you can brighten immeasurably, whether it’s a single parent struggling to do it all, someone who simply needs a friend, a neighbor going through cancer treatment, or a friend who recently lost a family member. You’ll find that turning your focus to someone who needs help will exchange your feelings of sadness or anxiety for a sense of satisfaction at having made a difference.
Breathe It Out
Many menopausal women describe an unsettling shift of mood that seems to come on without warning, in the car, at the desk, or lying awake at night — a sudden surge of anxiety or despair often accompanied by a sprinting heart rate or sweaty, light-headed sensation. That’s a great time to do a breathing exercise.
You can do this simple breathing exercise anytime, anywhere to slow down your heart rate and deepen your breathing until the uncomfortable feeling lifts. Take a deep breath in and, as you do so, say or think, “Breathe in peace,” “Breathe in relaxation,” or “Breathe in serenity.” Breathe in slowly through your nostrils for a count of four, and then slowly breathe out for a count of four. As you breathe out, say or think, “Breathe out the nervousness,” or “Breathe out the gloom,” or “Breathe out the worry.” Picture the anxiety or discontent leaving your body with each long, slow exhale, replaced by peace and calm with each inhale.
There’s a certain irony in the fact that the National Center for Telehealth & Technology, a division of the US Department of Defense, has a smartphone app to guide you through relaxation breathing. You can find it at www.t2health.org/apps/breathe2relax. It’s effective, and you can customize it to suit your pace.
Ask for Help
Handing off some of your duties can make the difference between feeling frazzled and stressed, and having a moment to yourself. Decide what you need and make your requests direct and specific. No vague, “I don’t know what to have for dinner,” “The house is a mess.” Swap them for clear requests for help: “Will you please bring home takeout or stop by the market for milk?” “Will you please (fill in what you need here — vacuum, fold the laundry, change the sheets, pick up the living room, do half this pile of invoices)?”
You’ll find that asking for help isn’t so hard after you’ve done it a few times, and when you let your family, friends, or colleagues know how much you appreciate their help, you give them a gift too.
Change the Venue
Get outside to lift your spirits. Instead of a coffee or lunch date, make a walk date and pick a new venue, a different park, lake, beach, or trail where you can walk and talk. Go outside and replenish your well as you listen to birdsong, feel the sun pour in, hear the wind rustle or the rain fall if you like it, and breathe in the scent of the water or flowers.
Trust Your Wisdom
But not all mood changes in midlife need to disquiet us. We can also feel grateful that the uncertainty and insecurity we may have felt as younger women now gives way to a more reflective and discerning way of regarding the world, and a certain sageness in viewing ourselves. Our wisdom — some hard earned, some gently and slowly acquired over time — can be trusted to serve us well as we experience menopause.
©2013 by Stephanie Bender and Treacy Colbert. All rights reserved.
Reprinted with permission of the publisher, Conari Press,
an imprint of Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC. www.redwheelweiser.com.
This article was adapted with permission from the book:
End Your Menopause Misery: The 10-Day Self-Care Plan
by Stephanie Bender and Treacy Colbert.
End Your Menopause Misery offers a complete 10-day self-care plan for relief from the debilitating symptoms of menopause and perimenopause. Choose what works for you. Incorporate into your daily life. Feel great right away.
Click here for more info or to order this book on Amazon
About the Authors
Stephanie Bender is the founder of Full Circle Women's Health, a women's health clinic in Boulder, CO. She has conducted pioneering research into women's hormonal health, and is a nationally recognized speaker on women's health issues. She is the author of The Power of Perimenopause. (Photo by Green Earth Photography)
Treacy Colbert is a medical writer who has written for Health, Clinical Advisor, Women's Health Access, International Journal of Integrative Medicine, and Nutrition in Complementary Care. She also writes a blog, "The Green Side of the Grass," which deals with all manner of things, including marriage, death, and 3-in-1 Oil.
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