Make Amends and Gift Yourself with Forgiveness

Sometimes we hang onto self-condemnation for things we can easily rectify. It may take gulping down some pride, mustering some courage, and taking an action we’re too embarrassed or uncomfortable to take, and these feel­ings are exactly why we should act. We’ll not only have less to forgive ourselves for, but we’ll gain more compassion and growth from the dread action.

Return the book to the library. Call and apologize. Write the letter. Send the thank-you gift. Make the date you’ve been avoiding. Explain why you did/said/didn’t do/didn’t say it. Repay the debt. Arrange a payment plan.

You Can Do It!

If you think you absolutely can’t do it—whatever it is—pre­pare. Talk to a neutral person about it. Start writing down what you want to do or say. Rehearse.

For example, you can start by saying, “This call is long overdue. I’ve wanted to tell you this for a long time but haven’t had the courage. I’ve always felt sad about _______. ”

A family friend taught me this lesson. He visited my husband and me to explore avenues to raise the necessary funds for a new business he wanted to start. After my nice dinner (only semi-homemade), as we discussed his financial circumstances, Gardner became so anxious and agitated that he shouted and left abruptly. Fifteen minutes later, he called from his car in a rage. He said he couldn’t find his good pen and accused the valet of stealing it.


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I spoke to the valet manager, who assured me his people did not steal from the residents’ or guests’ cars.

Later that night, Gardner phoned again and said simply, “I apologize for my inappropriate behavior. I found my pen wedged between my car seat and the door.”

I admired Gardner’s dignity and courage, and his language. He didn’t berate himself but labeled his actions as simply “inappropriate.” I thanked him, complimented his action, and suggested several other avenues he might investigate for funding.

What's the Worst That Could Happen?

When you face up and make amends, what’s the worst that can happen? The other person could say, “It’s about time, you so-and-so!” Or, “I told you you were wrong, but you never listened.” Or, “I hear you, but it’s been too long and the hurt is too deep. I never want to speak to you again.”

Any of these responses are possible but hardly probable. Even if the response is the last one, you will have taken the risk for yourself. You’re not in charge of how and if the other has changed or softened. You can then say, “I wanted you to know and I wish you only the best.” If the person hangs up on you, you’ve done what you needed to.

Most of the time, none of these things will happen. A friend told of a family situation that you may relate to. For many years, she’d been estranged from her sister, who now lived across the country. Growing up, they’d been very close, and my friend could hardly recall why they’d stopped talking. Year followed year, and my friend could never bring herself to call.

We talked about this notion of forgiving yourself and making amends, and her voice became husky. “I really want to heal this rift. It’s been so long. When my sister hears my voice, she’ll probably slam down the phone.” Together, we arrived at what my friend would say, and she promised she’d make the call the next Sunday.

Sunday night, she called me, ecstatic. Hearing her voice, her sister had started crying with joy. Her sister confessed she’d wanted to call my friend many times but had stopped herself, thinking my friend would slam down the phone.

They had an hour conversation and straightened out what they needed to. Now they call, write, email, exchange photos of expanding families and new pets, and have the kind of wonderful relationship they had growing up.

Be Willing to Make the Leap

Yes, to make amends takes courage and the willingness to make the leap. Whenever I’ve jumped, often holding my breath but daring to expose the egg on my face, the other person, like my friend’s sister, has had one or more of these reactions:

  1. Surprise
  2. Delight
  3. Gracious acceptance of what I had to say
  4. Appreciation

With some people, a relationship has been resumed or started, with others it hasn’t. Each time I’ve “cleaned up,” I’ve immediately felt better, even joyful, lighter and freer daily. I’ve also become able to apologize and say what has to be said more quickly and succinctly, without waiting days, months or years.

If you cannot make amends in actuality, do so in your mind with the techniques in a wonderful audiotape by Michael Moran, Heal the Past, Release the Pain. Set yourself a quiet time alone. Then visualize the ideal setting and sit down with each person involved. Say your words clearly in your mind or out loud. Listen for the other’s response. You will hear. Allow the dialogue to flow, until you feel complete. Then consider the matter done, resolved, closed.

A Universal Affirmation

At a time when I felt in a downward spiral of lament over myriad sins, as if I were falling into an irreversible deep depression, a dear friend gave me this affirmation. This affirmation can help you accept forgiveness of your partner, yourself and everyone else in an instant. It cuts through all that self-condemnation litter:

“I forgive myself and I forgive all others,
from the beginning of time to the end of time.”

Say this over a few times to yourself. Again, a few more times, out loud.

Bellow it, sing it, shout it with different tones and accents. Do you feel a fantastic sense of power and freedom? Practice this often.

All our words here lead to one conclusion and command, given in A Course in Miracles: “Forgive, and you will see this differently.”

As you start forgiving, you’ll see things differently and think differently. As you think differently, you’ll let go of past guilt and turn away from it and all its hangers-on. You’ll start entertaining new possibilities, new inevitabilities, about others and especially yourself.

With forgiveness, you’ll lighten your outlook and release the energy you used in holding onto those condemnations. Instead of crying about what’s behind, you can shout about what’s ahead.

Gifting Yourself with Forgiveness

Give yourself this gift. Forgiveness makes you feel so much lighter, makes you inexplicably bubbly and excited about life like an unsullied child. Forgiveness gives you a vibrant energy that you haven't felt since you fell in love for the first time. It uncovers what you've secretly yearned for all this time, your Dreams. Give yourself this marvelous gift.

Forgiveness will give you the energy, focus, courage, and sense of deservingness to think about your Dreams again with gusto and strength.

©2011 by Noelle Sterne, Ph.D. Reprinted with permission.
Published by Unity Books, Unity Village, MO 64065-0001.
Subtitles by InnerSelf.

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Trust Your Life: Forgive Yourself and Go After Your Dreams by Noelle Sterne.Trust Your Life: Forgive Yourself and Go After Your Dreams
by Noelle Sterne.

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About the Author

Noelle SterneNoelle Sterne is an author, editor, writing coach, and spiritual counselor. She publishes writing craft articles, spiritual pieces, essays, and fiction in print, online periodicals, and blog sites. Her book Trust Your Life  contains examples from her academic editorial practice, writing, and other aspects of life to help readers release regrets, relabel their past, and reach their lifelong yearnings. Her book for doctoral candidates has a forthright spiritual component and deals with often overlooked or ignored but crucial aspects that can seriously prolong their agony: Challenges in Writing Your Dissertation: Coping With the Emotional, Interpersonal, and Spiritual Struggles (September 2015). Excerpts from this book continue to be published in academic magazines and blogs. Visit Noelle's website: www.trustyourlifenow.com

Listen to a webinar: Webinar: Trust Your Life, Forgive Yourself, and Go After Your Dreams (with Noelle Sterne)