self criticism

Self-criticism takes the form of blaming yourself (It’s all my fault), labeling yourself (I can’t believe how stupid I am), hating yourself (I can’t stand myself at times), doubting yourself (I just can’t make the right decisions), and discounting your positives (Oh, anyone could do that — it’s not hard). And, when you are self-critical, the smallest mistake or slightest imperfection becomes a target for your self-loathing. If you spill a cup of coffee, you are an oaf.

Your rumination may focus on self-critical thoughts about something you’ve done wrong or something that’s wrong with you.

Start to Handle Your Self-Criticism by Voicing Your Criticism

Your negative thoughts about yourself can take many forms. For example, you might label yourself as boring, stupid, ugly, inferior, or unlovable. You might find yourself criticizing almost everything that you do: I can’t believe how stupid I am. There I go again!

One way of recognizing your self-criticism is to keep track of any self-critical thought you have. You can take a piece of paper and simply write down examples of your negative self-statements as they occur.

You might find yourself criticizing yourself the moment you get out of bed to the moment you go to bed. Or you might find that you do it more frequently in certain situations — for example, when you meet new people, or when you’re interacting with someone at work, or when you don’t get something right the very first time.


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What Is Self-Criticism Good For?

We may think that if we criticize ourselves it will help motivate us. We won’t get lazy. We will try harder.

You might think your self-criticism will light a fire under you and get you up and going — some sports coaches think so. Rather than becoming the screaming critical coach you might try becoming your own best cheer-leader.

Or you might think that you are simply being realistic: “But I really am a loser.” But weighing the pros and the cons, asking yourself the advice you would give a friend with a similar problem are not ways of being unrealistic. You need to look at all the facts, not simply the negative ones. In fact, you might even conclude that your self-criticism is unrealistic.

Or you might be afraid that if you don’t keep yourself in check with criticism, you will let your guard down, become too self-confident, and make an even bigger fool of yourself. These beliefs about self-criticism, if they were working so well, then you would be feeling great, wouldn’t you? If your criticism is so great then why do you feel so bad?

"I'm A Loser": How to Handle Your Self-Criticism

MANAGING SELF-CRITICISM: START BY SETTING YOUR STANDARDS

The fact is, there is a grain of truth in these beliefs. You don’t want to become so complacent that simply breathing becomes your standard of excellence. But what would make a reasonable standard for yourself? Here are some criteria to consider.

Set Achievable Goals

When you set a standard for yourself, the goals you set should be goals you can achieve every day. You want to have opportunities for success every day. For example, when I have a deadline hanging over my head, I will say to myself, “Do some writing for one hour.” That’s a goal that I can usually achieve. I don’t say, “Write a book today.” That’s not realistic.

Replace Self-Criticism with Self-Reward

When you achieve your goal for the day — or for the moment — make it a point to say something positive to yourself. Make a mental list of self-reward statements that you can pull out at any moment when you need them. Here are some good examples: Good for me; I tried. I got something done. I am moving toward my goals. I’m doing better than before.

You can also build in some concrete self-rewards. For example, say to yourself, If I finish writing these letters, then I can go for a walk. List some activities that you really enjoy and make them rewards for doing things that are less enjoyable.

Replace Self-Criticism with Self-Correction

Tom wanted to turn off his harsh self-criticism, but we knew it wouldn’t work if he just tried to tell himself everything he did was wonderful instead. So we decided to try an alternative — self-correction. This means simply being honest about your mistakes. For example, Tom realized that he was making a mistake to think that a job with a bank lasted forever. Rather than isolate himself by staying in his apartment, filled with shame and ruminating about “being a failure,” he could be proactive and plan how to network to look for another job.

Here’s why self-correction works better than self-criticism. When you are learning how to play tennis your instructor will correct your swing and show you how to hit the ball correctly. But what if your instructor hit you over the head with the racket and called you an idiot? How well would you learn tennis?

Rather than criticize yourself, ask yourself the following:

  • Is there a better way of doing this?
  • What can I learn?
  • Who does a better job at this — and how can I learn?

Excerpted with permission of the publisher,
Hay House Inc. www.hayhouse.com©2010 by Robert Leahy.

Article Source:

1401921698Beat the Blues Before They Beat You: How to Overcome Depression
by Robert L. Leahy, Ph.D.

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About the Author

Robert Leahy, author of the InnerSelf article: “I’m a Loser” -- How to Handle Your Self-CriticismRobert L. Leahy, Ph.D., is recognized as one of the most respected cognitive therapists in the world and is known internationally as a leading writer and speaker in this revolutionary field. He is the Director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy in New York City; and Past President of the International Association of Cognitive Psychotherapy, the Academy of Cognitive Therapy, and the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies. He is a Clinical Professor of Psychology in Psychiatry at the Weill-Cornell Medical School. Robert Leahy has written and edited 17 books, including the bestseller The Worry Cure.